Aries After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you've been working on for years will wind up costing you about $3,500.
Taurus You'll finally realize a dream you've had since childhood, dear Taurus, when a huge scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you alive.
Gemini The reason for your recent crises of conscience will become clear this week when you discover the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for about a year now.
Cancer Next week won't be the best you've ever had, but it will advance medical understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.
Leo A good friend will be a pillar of strength and support during a harrowing crisis. Show your appreciation by sending this person a note that says, "Thanks for your support."
Virgo You'll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering consequences, although they will eventually get you for the tax evasion.
Libra You won't be absolutely certain you like the changes in yourself— especially considering you'll appeal to a whole new group of people—after they make a 12-inch dance remix of you.
Scorpio The stars say there's nothing wrong with being a belt-and-suspenders type, but you should probably reconsider being a leather-shorts-and-no-shirt type as well.
Sagittarius The FDA will realize its mistake too late to prevent your death when it accidentally names you as part of a complete breakfast.
Capricorn You'll realize that you hallucinated that everyone was wearing business casual all weekend, which explains why Halloween was so awkward this year.
Aquarius Romance will once again pass you by this week when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mix-tapes.
Pisces You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves.