• Aries The inexorable power of destiny would render you powerless to stop the fateful events of next week, were anything ever to actually happen to you.
  • Taurus You've always believed you should go with your gut in important matters, which is why every major decision in your life has been accompanied by chili-cheese fries.
  • Gemini Although you've always claimed you'd quit when you thought you'd reached your peak, you'll find it easy to keep going when no one seems to think you'll ever improve.
  • Cancer You take pride in being able to take whatever life throws at you, but you really weren't expecting this many opossums.
  • Leo After all you've been through, it's nice to know that lightning doesn't strike twice. Strangely, it turns out that's not true for falling safes or pianos.
  • Virgo You've tried leaving poems at the scene, leaving signature marks, and only working on Sundays, but the papers insist on merely calling you "The Nickname-less Killer."
  • Libra You've always had a strong fight-or-flight reflex, which turns out to be completely useless when negotiating for the best price on a bedroom set.
  • Scorpio You've finally risen to the top of your profession only to find the world's other 450,000 deep-fryer operators are pretty much there, too.
  • Sagittarius You're really getting tired of the meme of the dead hooker in the trunk, as no one ever seems to acknowledge how much work the whole situation can be.
  • Capricorn You'll experience a breathtaking whirlwind romance this week when it's endlessly recounted by a long- winded co-worker.
  • Aquarius You've avoided throwing the baby out with the bathwater. However, you're now left with the problem of how to dispose of a clean but rapidly drying baby.
  • Pisces You won't be thanked for helping to solve a major social problem when people decide to give all the credit to the guy who made the bumper sticker.