• Aries They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.
  • Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Gemini While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Cancer Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they discover a cure for goddamn stupidity.
  • Leo The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
  • Virgo Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid becoming a statistic by getting shot repeatedly at work.
  • Libra Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
  • Scorpio Wild peals of laughter will burst forth this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Sagittarius Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
  • Capricorn Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Aquarius A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Pisces When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.