• Aries Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Taurus You’ll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they’re definitely having a much better time than you are.
  • Gemini Critics will call your first poetry collection a “stirring work of utmost courage and beauty,” which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
  • Cancer Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Leo Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
  • Virgo Set your inner child free! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
  • Libra Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you’re better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Scorpio Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
  • Sagittarius You’ll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.
  • Capricorn Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Aquarius Remember: It’s not that you can’t find happiness in life, it’s that you won't find happiness in life.
  • Pisces You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you’ll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.