Your Horoscopes — Week of October 8, 2013

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 49•41 Oct 8, 2013
  • Aries Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Taurus You'll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn't clear yet.
  • Gemini Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Cancer You'll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
  • Leo Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Virgo You'll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
  • Libra Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
  • Scorpio Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
  • Sagittarius Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Capricorn Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with "Roger that, good buddy."
  • Aquarius No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind.
  • Pisces Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.