Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 9, 2012

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 48•41 Oct 9, 2012
  • Aries Don’t worry your pretty little head about next week’s events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.
  • Taurus The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but then, they’re still quite tired from having all that sex with your wife.
  • Gemini You’ll be honored this week by the prestigious Academy of Just Handing These Damn Things Out to Whoever’s Around.
  • Cancer They say animals can often sense an earthquake moments before it strikes, which explains why so many of them are smiling at you right now.
  • Leo A premature and rather curious birth this week will bring new meaning to the idiom “all thumbs.”
  • Virgo Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
  • Libra Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.
  • Scorpio Note: This week’s horoscope has been classified by the CIA due to a series of national security concerns. The constellation Scorpio has already been detained.
  • Sagittarius You’ve never felt comfortable with math or science, which makes complete sense, as the two disciplines molested you as a child.
  • Capricorn The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.
  • Aquarius Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.
  • Pisces Remember: Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth. Barricade the door to your goddamn basement before it arrives.