Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 10, 2013

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 49•37 Sep 10, 2013
  • Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
  • Taurus Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
  • Gemini You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
  • Cancer After exhausting every other conceivable option, you'll finally give in this week and take a shower.
  • Leo Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
  • Virgo You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
  • Libra Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.
  • Scorpio They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
  • Sagittarius You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
  • Capricorn Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
  • Aquarius You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
  • Pisces Being white and wealthy and privileged does have its share of advantages. That's it.