• Aries The interesting thing about your future isn’t its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Taurus Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Gemini Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the past 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Cancer The kind of pressure you’ll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Leo You’ve got a pair of gams that just won’t quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.
  • Virgo A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you’re a Virgo.
  • Libra Something deep inside of you will reawaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.
  • Scorpio You’ll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
  • Sagittarius Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.
  • Capricorn Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Aquarius You’re no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
  • Pisces Try as they might, the stars can’t see the point in telling you about next week. You’ll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.