Aries You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armour Hot Dog processing plant this week.
Taurus Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life least expects it, throw the lemonade right in its spiteful face.
Gemini Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn’t last another 100 years, but that’s because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.
Cancer On sale this week at Cancer: Love advice, 99 cents a pound. Fresh, organic prophecies, two for $2.25. Plus, Zodiac-brand Fortune Bars, only $4 until supplies last.
Leo Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it’s the giant mosquito costume.
Virgo The cosmic sands of time will sweep through your sign this week, filling your shorts with eons of frustration.
Libra You’re about to go through a really messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
Scorpio A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Verrazano Bridge, and into the harbor.
Sagittarius No one likes to hear that they’re going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.
Capricorn You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
Aquarius Giving birth is a life-changing experience, especially when it shoots straight out of your sternum like that.
Pisces Saturn in your sign this week is cause for concern, as Pisces has had a restraining order against the planet for years.
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