• Aries Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to women and start talking to them.
  • Taurus At this very moment, hundreds of miles from where you are, some of the world's greatest intellects are attempting to change the way you think about sugar-free chewing gum.
  • Gemini Your actions have not gone unnoticed. Prepare to receive a summons to appear before the House Subcommittee on Talking About Work While People Are Trying to Watch Football.
  • Cancer Efficiency is all well and good, but the FBI agents are right to point out that from now on, kidnap the kid before you send the ransom note.
  • Leo You'll undergo a crisis of conscience when you realize that, despite being a faithful American, you don't really want to watch anything that's on TV right now.
  • Virgo The good news is that traveling will be somewhat easier for you after next week, as you'll never again need to complain about legroom or not having a decent view.
  • Libra The stars are happy to announce that starting next week you will pay your zodiac bill on time, if you know what's good for you.
  • Scorpio The pretty lady's boyfriend will actually be a lot more polite than he absolutely has to be when explaining to you that who dates her is not determined by an essay contest.
  • Sagittarius You're not getting any younger, which means that a certain so-called "wizard" has a lot to explain concerning certain "reverse-aging potions."
  • Capricorn It turns out that whomever you have to sleep with to get a drink around here, it's not the bartenders, the owner, the waitresses, or the bouncer.
  • Aquarius You'll continue to inspire those closest to you to try and move away as quickly and quietly as possible.
  • Pisces Although your roommate thought it was crazy of you to buy all that plastic sheeting, you'll come home to find it applied to the walls and floors soon enough.