Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 25, 2012

HoroscopeEntertainment Sep 25, 2012
  • Aries You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.
  • Taurus After years of putting up an emotional wall, you'll realize the error of your ways this week and purchase 3 tons of brick and cement instead.
  • Gemini You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to "motherfucker."
  • Cancer The baboon will see you as a threat to the social hierarchy of the pack, which, truth be told, is giving you way too much credit.
  • Leo He'll scream, they'll scream, you'll all scream for ice cream—forcing several orderlies to rush back into the room and strap everyone down in their beds.
  • Virgo Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
  • Libra When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
  • Scorpio They say you're getting a little too old for a pacifier. Then again, as long as they let you keep sucking on their tits they can say whatever they want.
  • Sagittarius You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you still don't understand why they always have to use yours.
  • Capricorn A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas stations.
  • Aquarius An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill, and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
  • Pisces You're a natural-born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces.