- Aries Venus is in retrograde in your sign this week, which you'd think would mean problems in your love life but actually indicates imminent botulism. Interesting, isn't it?
- Taurus Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources this week, even if she was in labor with you for 38 hours.
- Gemini Change will come to your neighborhood when you piss off an air traffic controller who knows your home address on the same day his ex boards a 747 to Maui.
- Cancer You've never been the sort of person who lets all kinds of supposed "signs" tell you how you should drive your car.
- Leo You're starting to think that maybe the funny nose and glasses won't actually be enough to hide you when Jesus returns in all his glory.
- Virgo Sometimes it feels as if your life's long, empty hours are all beginning to blur together, but take heart. There really aren't very many left.
- Libra Although the doctors want to do all they can to help ease your recovery, they cannot legally allow you to make a cool chair out of your severed limbs.
- Scorpio Scorpio is a water sign, with all that implies, but this week it will be much more important for you to pay attention to fire-exit signs.
- Sagittarius You'll continue to be baffled by people who expect you to be their friend and call them just because you have previously said the words "we're friends" and "I'll call you."
- Capricorn Love magick is strong in Taurus this week, leading those lucky enough to be born under that sign far, far away from you.
- Aquarius Your death will be painful, but it will give a notorious femme fatale a chance to say "I'm afraid I've always had a rather…sharp tongue."
- Pisces Your life will soon lose all direction, which, considering how it has been going, should come as a vast relief.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 21 ... (September 21, 2010)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 5 ... » (October 5, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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