Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 4, 2012

HoroscopeEntertainment ISSUE 48•36 Sep 4, 2012
  • Aries All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us?
  • Taurus You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
  • Gemini They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.
  • Cancer Be sure to choose your words carefully this week, as you've only got about seven of them left.
  • Leo When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
  • Virgo The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.
  • Libra You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.
  • Sagittarius It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
  • Capricorn Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.
  • Aquarius You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.
  • Pisces The old public-speaking trick of imagining the audience naked has served you well in the past, but that was before you had to give a talk to a room full of burn survivors.