Aries All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us?
Taurus You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
Gemini They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.
Cancer Be sure to choose your words carefully this week, as you've only got about seven of them left.
Leo When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
Virgo The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.
Libra You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.
Scorpio The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.
Sagittarius It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
Capricorn Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.
Aquarius You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.
Pisces The old public-speaking trick of imagining the audience naked has served you well in the past, but that was before you had to give a talk to a room full of burn survivors.
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