- Aries You'll find out once and for all who your real friends are when you take the steps necessary to see who does and who doesn't name you in their will.
- Taurus It's true you're learning a lot and being given much to think about, but at some point you'll have to ask yourself what you really know about this "Jesus Christ."
- Gemini Animals have sharper senses than humans and can sense coming events, so it's unnerving when they start wearing bibs and follow you around smacking their lips.
- Cancer You've never considered yourself much of a music person, which means you'll have a lot of adjusting to do after a high-speed collision with a harpsichord leaves you tragically harmonious.
- Leo Autumn is usually thought of as a necessary part of the great cycle of renewal and not a time of looming death, but this year, as the weather cools, you may want to start giving away your things.
- Virgo You're a remarkably clear-eyed and kindly person, which doesn't make it any easier for the stars to tell you about your breath.
- Libra An unfortunate time in your life will be unexpectedly extended when the judge explains that he, not you, gets to choose the manner of your community service.
- Scorpio Missing Barry Gibb's birthday was bad enough, but going on and on about how it was Barry Gibb's birthday and you missed it is simply intolerable.
- Sagittarius You were in it for the thrills and never cared for fame or money, but all that will change when you discover there are Yelp reviews for people who blow closeted businessmen down by the docks.
- Capricorn The strange thing is, no one has been sentenced to be drawn and quartered in your state since the late 18th century, let alone volunteered for it.
- Aquarius Seeking exactly the right sort of closure in life may prove fruitless, but there's an odd satisfaction in getting all your loved ones to read their lines correctly.
- Pisces You can believe all you want in fate and destiny, but when all's said and done, you simply lack the willpower to stay out of doughnut shops.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 30 ... (August 30, 2011)
- Your Horoscopes - Week of September 13 ... » (September 13, 2011)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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