- Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a cynical compromise based on a fear of dying alone.
- Taurus You'll become the sworn enemy of men's magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullitt wasn't that great of a movie.
- Gemini You'll stumble onto a great little trattoria with excellent food and a terrific wine list, but what you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.
- Cancer This week will send you plunging into a pit of depression at the realization that Stevie Wonder will probably not live forever.
- Leo Raise your voice in anger and rail against the gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not in your size.
- Virgo Your love life will hum along like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and a clever little Swedish machine.
- Libra "In The Hall Of The Mountain King" is a strange choice for a first dance between husband and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.
- Scorpio You've never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.
- Sagittarius You'll start to wonder if people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the media for being soft on education and the economy.
- Capricorn Stop worrying about what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you probably wouldn't be able to understand it.
- Aquarius They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but you still have that 10 bucks you found on the sidewalk the other day.
- Pisces Your ex will finally stop by to get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't think anyone saw you take it.
More Horoscope
- « Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 31 ... (August 31, 2010)
- Your Horoscopes - Week Of September 14 ... » (September 14, 2010)
Past Horoscopes
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January 31, 2012
Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
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January 24, 2012
Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
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January 17, 2012
Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
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January 10, 2012
Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
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January 3, 2012
Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
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December 6, 2011
Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
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November 15, 2011
Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
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November 8, 2011
Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...
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November 1, 2011
Aries They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed. Taurus Your significant other has always been the never-say-d...
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