Your Love Horoscopes

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Aries When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.

Taurus Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.

Gemini Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.

Cancer There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.

Leo Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really starting to piss your partner off.

Virgo While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.

Libra Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."

Scorpio They'll find the key to your heart this week, but not before trying the key to your car, the key to your front door, and the key to your single unit storage locker.

Sagittarius Role-playing can help to spice things up in the bedroom. Pretend you and your husband are two people still physically attracted to one another.

Capricorn You've been struck by Cupid's magical arrow before, but you and dozens of others will be unprepared for his use of an enchanted Gatling gun this week.

Aquarius While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.

Pisces You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscopes » (February 17, 2009)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

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November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...