Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) Your memo concerning the Schinderman account has been posted in the lunchroom so that others may laugh at your poor spelling.

Taurus: (Apr. 20–May 20) Get away from it all and build yourself a nice house in the country. That way you can continue skinning mules without waking the neighbors.

Gemini: (May 21–June 21) Your underpants do not accurately represent your age or gender. Shame on you.

Cancer: (June 22–July 22) Spend a few extra moments with the kids this week. Take them to the place where fun begins—your area tile store.

Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) Crazy antics ensue when your new roommate turns out to be a polar bear, and you’re fresh out of chum.

Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) At last, your career in the movies has come to fruition. Too bad you’ll be decapitated by a low-swinging boom mic.

Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) Your unhealthy obsession with Mr. Magoo has gone too far. It’s not a bad idea to blind yourself with a leather punch.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) Doctors will confirm this week that lined paper causes ear cancer. Write letters on papyrus.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Love life getting a tad dull? Why not soak your genitals in mild salsa?

Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You will have a great day until your intestines are yanked out by zombies. Then it will just be okay.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Assert your position firmly. Craft a space gun out of an old microwave oven to take out The Man.

Pisces: (Feb. 19–Mar. 20) Say, what’s that whistling noise? Ohmigod, AIIIIIIIIGH!

We regret to inform readers that Ms. Wyner-Io has been crushed by a meteor. Will she survive? Join us next week for the cliffhanger season finale of Ruby Wyner-Io’s Your Real Horoscope.