Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love. Then you’ll be flattened by a stampede of oxen.
Taurus: (Apr. 20–May 20) Financial dealings look brighter now that you’ve cashed in that jar of pennies. Spend that $12 wisely.
Gemini: (May 21–June 21) The stars say you should get a pet because they are a great source of companionship and cheap meat.
Cancer: (June 22–July 22) Don’t be self-conscious about a little unwanted facial hair. Electrolysis can remove that, monkey boy.
Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) A long rest is in order when you splinter both tibias and fibulas.
Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) A large sum of cash in a pink envelope will arrive in your mailbox today. Use it to purchase thirty cases of Sizzlean.
Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) A tour of a peanut factory ends in tragedy when you are accidentally honey-roasted.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) With summer around the corner, it’s time to get in shape. Have your beefy mid-section excised by a plastic surgeon.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Improve your performance at the office. Slaughter your co-workers to eliminate competition.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) You’ll save thousands of dollars in food bills when you become a plant. Stock up on fresh soil.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Now that the kids are all grown-up, it’s time for you and your spouse to rekindle old flames. Get that much-delayed divorce.
Pisces: (Feb. 19–Mar. 20) You’ll make a mint with your revolutionary sexual aid—a synthetic foreskin.
Ms. Wyner-Io has just entered the computer age. Your Real Horoscope can be purchased on computer punch card or home video game cartridge (available for Intellivision only) at any Mr. Steak outlet.
More Horoscope
- « Your Real Horoscope (December 6, 1993)
- Horoscope for the week of August ... » (August 7, 1996)
Past Horoscopes
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May 22, 2012
Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
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May 15, 2012
Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
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May 8, 2012
Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
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May 1, 2012
Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
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April 24, 2012
Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
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April 17, 2012
Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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March 27, 2012
Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
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March 20, 2012
Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
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March 13, 2012
Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...
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