Zweibel's ABCsCommentary • poor • rich • ISSUE 35•26 • Jul 28, 1999 By T. Herman Zweibel, Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911) I was recently informed that quite a large number of Americans remain illiterate, a fact I initially considered good news. Once people are taught to read, I reasoned, in a flash the wealthy and powerful will find their severed heads atop pikes! But then I realized: If every-body is illiterate, there will be no-one able to read The Onion, the Republic's finest herald of news-worthy events! There-fore, I have composed an alphabet-primer to tutor the nation's unlettered masses. I am only doing this once, so look sharp: A is for Absinthe, for which I now thirst, B is for Bastard, such as William Randolph Hearst; C is for Centaur, magical beast of lore, D is for Death, which is constantly at my door; E is for my Estate, which has 652 rooms, F is for the Foreigners who seal the Republic's doom; G is for Gangrene, eating my foot, to my shame, H is for Herman, my beautiful middle name; I is for Illuminate, synonymous with "elucidate," J is for the vicious Jackals which I often hallucinate; K is for Kaiser, or Wilhelm as he is known, L is for my Leprosy, which I fear has rather grown; M is for Misery, rarely from it do I stir, N is for Nurse; where is that filthy cur? O is for Obtuse, describing my sons to a T, P is for Pornography--Is there any around for me? Q is for Quinsy, another malady of mine, R is for Rudy Vallee, curse the vulgar swine! S is for the Spaniards, our enemies across the sea, T is for the Tin of the ro-bot who so hates me! U is for Ugly, Urine, Unfortunate and Upset, V is for my Vitality, drained by this alphabet; W is for Whig, a party I have long despised, X is for Xenophobe, which I am, you've doubt-less surmised; Y is for Yellow, the sallow color of my skin, Z, of course, is for the Zweibels, the great newspaper-man and his kin!