2013 NBA Finals Coverage: The Miami Heat Stomp The Joy Out Of Basketball Forever

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.


Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

2013 NBA Finals Coverage: The Miami Heat Stomp The Joy Out Of Basketball Forever

Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship
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Gregg Popovich Admits Winning Championship This Year Would Mean About The Same As Previous Titles
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Area Man Scores Rimside Seat To NBA Finals
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Pat Riley Shows Up To NBA Finals In Signature Bowl Cut
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NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To
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LeBron James Announces Retirement
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Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Idi Amin, Joseph Stalin Celebrate Heat Victory
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Heat Franchise Laughs In Nation’s Stupid Fucking Faces For 10 Minutes
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Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7
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