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Vol 48 Issue 26

Whatevs House

This house is pretty cool. It can get a little hot in the summertime, but no big deal. It's pretty roomy.

Your Dream Home!

Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not this time, though. Buy this mediocre home and then imagine you live somewhere much, much better.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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Athletics

Disabled Athlete Likes It When Opponents Go Easy On Him
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More And More Athletes Getting Ice Water Injected Into Veins
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Athletes Can Play Through Those Injuries, Says Man Who Gets Sore From Sitting Too Long
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Russell Athletic Sheepishly Introduces New Cup
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Neurologists Implore Professional Athletes To Wait Until They Are Dead To Send In Brains For Research
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Legendary Stalker Of Female Athletes Retires
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Selling Equals Winning, Ex-Athlete Tells Direct-Mail Merchandisers
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Sports Becomes Increasingly Boring As Death No Longer Punishment For Losing
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Roman Populace Constantly Argues Whether Chariot-Racing Is Actually A Sport
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Small, Unathletic Walk-On Injures 9 Starters In Notre Dame Football Practice
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