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Vol 46 Issue 17

PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night'

PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" c...

Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season.

Money Spent For Old Time's Sake

BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday.

Crist Dumps Republicans

After losing ground to his Republican opponent in the Republican primary, Florida governor Charlie Crist announced yesterday that he would be running for the U.S.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Energy

Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say With Straight Face
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SOLOPEC Nations Warn Sun's Output May Fall Short Of Demand
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Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet
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China Celebrates Its Status As World’s Number One Air Polluter
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U.S. Ice Cubes Melting At Alarming Rate
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Green-Conscious GE Develops Hybrid Lightbulb
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Prohibitively High Rocket-Fuel Prices Bring Mideast Crisis To Standstill
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New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize The Way We Drive
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Oil Executives March On D.C.
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Massive Tag Body Spray Slick Spreading From Jersey Shore
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