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Vol 46 Issue 17

PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night'

PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" c...

Player Drafted At Linebacker To Start At Realtor

OAKLAND, CA—The Raiders organization welcomed sixth-round draft choice Travis Goethel Wednesday and said the Arizona State linebacker would more than likely be asked to start as a Bay-area Realtor by the beginning of next season.

Money Spent For Old Time's Sake

BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday.

Crist Dumps Republicans

After losing ground to his Republican opponent in the Republican primary, Florida governor Charlie Crist announced yesterday that he would be running for the U.S.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Environment

Department Of The Exterior Opens U.S. National Park In Norway
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'How Bad For The Environment Can Throwing Away One Plastic Bottle Be?' 30 Million People Wonder
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Shell Executives Accuse Oil-Covered Otter Of Playing It Up
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Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs
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New Eco-Friendly Packaging Triggers Boom In Guilt-Free Littering
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New, Delicious Species Discovered
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Sea-Going Turtle Under Fire For Egg Abandonment
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Larva Acting Like It Knows Everything About Chewing Leaves
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Redwood Tree Completes 300-Year Plan To Lean Slightly To Left
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Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers
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