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Vol 45 Issue 33

Mom Has Some Wild New Ideas For Dressing Son This Year

TIGARD, OR—"Well, you know how boys are," said Karen Dougherty, as she carefully hemmed the cuffs on a pair of baby-blue corduroys. "If Michael had his way, he'd probably run out the door every day in a T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Golf & Leisure

Tiger Woods Putts Baby Into Diaper
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180 Trillion Leisure Hours Lost To Work Last Year
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Area Man's Quirky Hobby Kills 27
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'Inside The Golf Bag' Best Title Ernie Els Could Think Of For Autobiography
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Rich Guy Wins Yacht Race
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Nintendo Releases 'Phil Mickelson's Wacky Left-Handed Golf Tour'
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Ping-Pong Somehow Elicits Macho Posturing
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Underdog Comes Out Of Nowhere To Lose To Tiger Woods
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Man In Inner Tube Completes First Lazy Transatlantic Journey
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