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Vol 46 Issue 08

Ski Jumper Has To Work On His Soaring

VANCOUVER—Following a disappointing 98.5-meter effort that onlookers described as a "longish hop" or "sort of a flutter," ski jumper Hans Pavelka announced Friday that he would redouble his commitment to soaring.

GM Closing Hummer

After a takeover deal with a Chinese manufacturer fell through, General Motors announced that it would shut down its Hummer line. What do you...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

New York City

Giuliani Spotted Sleeping On New York City Subway
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40-Foot American Flag Pin Welded To Statue Of Liberty
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Staten Island Historians Piece Together Genealogy Of Wu-Tang Clan
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Couple's Divorce Stuns Tight-Knit Community Of Manhattan
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'Most E-Mailed' List Tearing New York Times' Newsroom Apart
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Yankees Building New Vacation Stadium In The Hamptons
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Accountants Pack Times Square For Fiscal New Year
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New York Marathon Winner Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Horse
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Bronx Zoo Unveils New Loitering-Teens Exhibit
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Police Race To Scene Of Car Alarm
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