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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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The Onion Looks Back At The First 100 Days And 10 Plagues Of The Trump Administration

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‘I Promise To Work Tirelessly To Achieve My Campaign’s Goals,’ Threatens Trump In Terrifying Address

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White House Staff Reminded To Place Lids Firmly On Trash Cans After Steve Bannon Gets Into Garbage Again

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Trump Insists That Now, More Than Ever, Americans Must Stand Strong In Face Of Empathy

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Trump Hails Gorsuch As Fierce Protector Of Future Amendment Allowing President To Temporarily Suspend Right To Assemble

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Eric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustn’t Inquire About The Businesses, For He’s Sworn Not To Tell

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Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s Psyche

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Officials Struggling To Condense Trump’s Intelligence Briefing Down To One Word

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Mar-A-Lago Member Complains About Loud, Obnoxious Cabinet Meeting At Next Table

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Frustrated Russian Officials Struggling To Get Any Policies Through Dysfunctional Trump Administration

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Mike Pence Clearly Went To Ash Wednesday Services Dozens Of Times

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Rodent Clearly Making Its Way Through Steve Bannon’s Body Throughout National Security Meeting

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Mar-A-Lago Caddy Injures Shoulder Carrying Heavy Set Of Classified National Security Briefings Around Golf Course

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‘I Have Four Young Children,’ Says Kellyanne Conway In Most Disturbing Public Statement To Date

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Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule

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Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull

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FBI Calls For Increased Surveillance Powers To Keep Pace With Evolving Threat Of Presidential Administrations

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Jared Kushner Quietly Transfers ‘Solve Middle East Crisis’ To Next Week’s To-Do List

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Trump Unveils Sprawling New Presidential Retreat Where He Can Escape From Stresses Of Mar-A-Lago

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Mike Pence Asks Waiter To Remove Mrs. Butterworth From Table Until Wife Arrives

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Trump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing Whims

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Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements

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Trump Spends 10 Minutes Mistakenly Addressing Steve Bannon’s Freshly Shed Exoskeleton

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Cackling Trump Reveals To Dinner Guests They’ve All Just Eaten Single Piece Of His Tax Returns

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Melania Idly Wonders If She Would Get Heads-Up About Nuclear Missile Headed Toward New York

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Mike Pence Has Long Heart-To-Heart With Staffer Who Came To Work With Coffee On Breath

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Trump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown

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