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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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The Onion Looks Back At The First 100 Days And 10 Plagues Of The Trump Administration

‘I Promise To Work Tirelessly To Achieve My Campaign’s Goals,’ Threatens Trump In Terrifying Address

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White House Staff Reminded To Place Lids Firmly On Trash Cans After Steve Bannon Gets Into Garbage Again

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Trump Insists That Now, More Than Ever, Americans Must Stand Strong In Face Of Empathy

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Trump Hails Gorsuch As Fierce Protector Of Future Amendment Allowing President To Temporarily Suspend Right To Assemble

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Eric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustn’t Inquire About The Businesses, For He’s Sworn Not To Tell

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Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s Psyche

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Officials Struggling To Condense Trump’s Intelligence Briefing Down To One Word

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Mar-A-Lago Member Complains About Loud, Obnoxious Cabinet Meeting At Next Table

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Frustrated Russian Officials Struggling To Get Any Policies Through Dysfunctional Trump Administration

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Mike Pence Clearly Went To Ash Wednesday Services Dozens Of Times

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Rodent Clearly Making Its Way Through Steve Bannon’s Body Throughout National Security Meeting

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Mar-A-Lago Caddy Injures Shoulder Carrying Heavy Set Of Classified National Security Briefings Around Golf Course

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‘I Have Four Young Children,’ Says Kellyanne Conway In Most Disturbing Public Statement To Date

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Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule

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Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull

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FBI Calls For Increased Surveillance Powers To Keep Pace With Evolving Threat Of Presidential Administrations

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Jared Kushner Quietly Transfers ‘Solve Middle East Crisis’ To Next Week’s To-Do List

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Trump Unveils Sprawling New Presidential Retreat Where He Can Escape From Stresses Of Mar-A-Lago

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Mike Pence Asks Waiter To Remove Mrs. Butterworth From Table Until Wife Arrives

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Trump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing Whims

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Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements

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Trump Spends 10 Minutes Mistakenly Addressing Steve Bannon’s Freshly Shed Exoskeleton

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Cackling Trump Reveals To Dinner Guests They’ve All Just Eaten Single Piece Of His Tax Returns

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Melania Idly Wonders If She Would Get Heads-Up About Nuclear Missile Headed Toward New York

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Mike Pence Has Long Heart-To-Heart With Staffer Who Came To Work With Coffee On Breath

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Trump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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