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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The Onion’s Best Photojournalism Of 2016

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Noam Chomsky Announces Las Vegas Residency

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Seating Mix-Up Puts Tony Bennett In Middle Of Slipknot

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Tiny Ben Carson Tugs At Debate Moderator’s Pant Leg

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Giddy Tim Kaine Presses Face Against Campaign Bus Window As Horse Trailer Drives By

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Melania Trump Stumbles Upon Dozens Of Husband’s Haunting, Macabre Self-Portraits

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‘The Case, Mr. Kerry, Give Me The Case,’ Demands Malaysian Ambassador Holding Dangling John Kerry From Petronas Towers Skybridge

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Hundreds Of Cuban Refugees Clinging To Air Force One On Flight Back To U.S.

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Biden Busted In DNC Parking Lot Selling Bootleg ‘I’m With Her’ T-Shirts

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Leonardo DiCaprio Kisses Bear Before Going Up To Receive Oscar

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‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

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Pope Francis Hosts Feathered Serpent God As Part Of Deity Exchange Program

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Millions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series Win

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

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Parallel World Leaders Meet In Washington For Interdimensional Summit

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Pope Francis Wearing Sweater Vestments He Got For Christmas

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Mike Pence Training For Vice Presidential Debate By Hitting Punching Bag With Climate Change Study Taped On Front

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Clinton Throws Flash Grenade To Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record

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Hillary Clinton Bowls Over Catcher To Score Winning Run In Campaign Staff Softball Game

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Trump Sits Down Beside Fire With Quill And Ink For Evening Writing Out Tweets

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

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‘It’s Hard Being Away From You All,’ Says Donald Trump While Spreading Bird Feed Around Rooftop Pigeon Coop

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Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis

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Unregistered Horses Meet Under Cover Of Darkness For Kentucky Street Derby

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Obama Transformed Into 20-Foot-Tall Monster President After Being Doused With Job-Growth Chemical

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Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

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