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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Onion’s Best Photojournalism Of 2016

Bernie Sanders Fills In For Factory Worker Unable To Take Time Off To Vote

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Noam Chomsky Announces Las Vegas Residency

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Seating Mix-Up Puts Tony Bennett In Middle Of Slipknot

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Tiny Ben Carson Tugs At Debate Moderator’s Pant Leg

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Giddy Tim Kaine Presses Face Against Campaign Bus Window As Horse Trailer Drives By

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Melania Trump Stumbles Upon Dozens Of Husband’s Haunting, Macabre Self-Portraits

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‘The Case, Mr. Kerry, Give Me The Case,’ Demands Malaysian Ambassador Holding Dangling John Kerry From Petronas Towers Skybridge

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Hundreds Of Cuban Refugees Clinging To Air Force One On Flight Back To U.S.

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Biden Busted In DNC Parking Lot Selling Bootleg ‘I’m With Her’ T-Shirts

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Leonardo DiCaprio Kisses Bear Before Going Up To Receive Oscar

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‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

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Pope Francis Hosts Feathered Serpent God As Part Of Deity Exchange Program

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Millions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series Win

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

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Parallel World Leaders Meet In Washington For Interdimensional Summit

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Pope Francis Wearing Sweater Vestments He Got For Christmas

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Mike Pence Training For Vice Presidential Debate By Hitting Punching Bag With Climate Change Study Taped On Front

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Clinton Throws Flash Grenade To Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record

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Hillary Clinton Bowls Over Catcher To Score Winning Run In Campaign Staff Softball Game

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Trump Sits Down Beside Fire With Quill And Ink For Evening Writing Out Tweets

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

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‘It’s Hard Being Away From You All,’ Says Donald Trump While Spreading Bird Feed Around Rooftop Pigeon Coop

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Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis

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Unregistered Horses Meet Under Cover Of Darkness For Kentucky Street Derby

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Obama Transformed Into 20-Foot-Tall Monster President After Being Doused With Job-Growth Chemical

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Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

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