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The 2012 Debates: Six Hours Of Sheer Torture

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.
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The 2012 Debates: Six Hours Of Sheer Torture

Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate

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Millions Of Excited Americans Gather To Watch Candidates Deliver Series Of Short, Elaborately Rehearsed Speeches

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Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates

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Sasha Obama Asks Father Why He Was Acting Like Such A Pussy During Debate

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Ryan Handed Romney's Latest Political Positions Before Walking On Stage

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Biden Puts On Lucky Debate Suit

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Security Removes Biden's Rowdy Buddies From Auditorium

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Ryan Chugs Down Rhino Horn And Bull Semen Shake For Mid-Debate Boost

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Biden Unleashes Torrent Of Vomit On Debate Stage

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Eloquent Biden Brings Entire Audience To Tears In Debate Stunner

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Biden Shares 20-Minute Post-Debate Kiss With Janna Ryan

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Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time

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First Question From Debate Audience Somehow Comes From Paul Ryan

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Millions Head To Internet To Figure Out Their Own Opinions About Debate

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Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol' Town Hall

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Live Coverage Of Last Night's Debate From Onion Politics

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Tearful Mitt Romney Announces He Has Rare Disease Where You Can't Sit Quietly On Stool When Repeatedly Asked To

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Both Candidates Announcing Unmitigated Support For Eugenics Virtually Only Way Tonight's Debate Will Matter At All

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Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America

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Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack

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Romney Delivers Stern Warning To China, Speaking Directly Into The Camera In Fluent Mandarin

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Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates

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