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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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The 2012 Debates: Six Hours Of Sheer Torture

Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate

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Millions Of Excited Americans Gather To Watch Candidates Deliver Series Of Short, Elaborately Rehearsed Speeches

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Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates

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Sasha Obama Asks Father Why He Was Acting Like Such A Pussy During Debate

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Ryan Handed Romney's Latest Political Positions Before Walking On Stage

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Biden Puts On Lucky Debate Suit

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Security Removes Biden's Rowdy Buddies From Auditorium

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Ryan Chugs Down Rhino Horn And Bull Semen Shake For Mid-Debate Boost

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Biden Unleashes Torrent Of Vomit On Debate Stage

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Eloquent Biden Brings Entire Audience To Tears In Debate Stunner

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Biden Shares 20-Minute Post-Debate Kiss With Janna Ryan

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Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time

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First Question From Debate Audience Somehow Comes From Paul Ryan

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Millions Head To Internet To Figure Out Their Own Opinions About Debate

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Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol' Town Hall

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Live Coverage Of Last Night's Debate From Onion Politics

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Tearful Mitt Romney Announces He Has Rare Disease Where You Can't Sit Quietly On Stool When Repeatedly Asked To

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Both Candidates Announcing Unmitigated Support For Eugenics Virtually Only Way Tonight's Debate Will Matter At All

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Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America

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Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack

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Romney Delivers Stern Warning To China, Speaking Directly Into The Camera In Fluent Mandarin

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Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates

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