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The 2012 GOP Race: Looking Back On A Great Era In American Politics

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How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
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The 2012 GOP Race: Looking Back On A Great Era In American Politics

Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner For Republican Presidential Nomination

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New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable

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GOP Race Heats Up As Candidate In Coma More Appealing Than Rest of Field

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Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People

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Tim Pawlenty Shaves Off Every Hair On His Body In Really Weird Campaign Gaffe

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Even Newt Gingrich A Little Depressed By Prospect Of Him Running For President

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Michele Bachmann Announces Bid To Be Discussed More Than She Deserves In 2012

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God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President

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Huntsman Quietly Relieved To Be Polling Poorly Among GOP Voters

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Romney Courts Hispanic Vote With Animated Sombrero-Wearing Parrot

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Rick Santorum Relieved No One Has Asked Him About Interracial Marriage Yet

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Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum Believes Every Deranged Word That Comes Out Of His Mouth

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Huntsman Drops Out, Endorses Huntsman

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Latest GOP Debate Concludes With Candidates Wrestling Squealing Pig To Ground And Slaughtering It

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Heartbroken Santorum Condemns Gay Marriage For Two-Timing Jerks Like Nick

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White-Hot GOP Race Down To Two Mentally Ill People, Person Who Lost Nomination Last Time

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Handlers Constantly Reminding Gingrich To Stay On Uninspiring, Belittling Message

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Rick Santorum Asks U.S. Populace If He's Still Running For President

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Did The Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman?

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Rick Perry Speech Electrifies 1,200 Scared, Miserable Racists

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Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

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Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave

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Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich

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Romney Now Flaunting His Wealth To Impress Voters

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Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign

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Herman Cain Endorses Who Gives A Fuck

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Romney Spends Most Of Factory Visit Yelling At Employees To Work Harder

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Poll Shows Best Part Of Primary Season Has Been Really Getting To Know, Spend Time With 4 Great Guys

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Poll: 63% Of Americans Say They Have A Problem With A Mormon President Who Is Also Mitt Romney

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Group Of '90s Footnotes Welcomes Gingrich Home

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Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination

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