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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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The 2012 GOP Race: Looking Back On A Great Era In American Politics

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Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner For Republican Presidential Nomination

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New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable

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GOP Race Heats Up As Candidate In Coma More Appealing Than Rest of Field

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Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People

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Tim Pawlenty Shaves Off Every Hair On His Body In Really Weird Campaign Gaffe

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Even Newt Gingrich A Little Depressed By Prospect Of Him Running For President

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Michele Bachmann Announces Bid To Be Discussed More Than She Deserves In 2012

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God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President

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Huntsman Quietly Relieved To Be Polling Poorly Among GOP Voters

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Romney Courts Hispanic Vote With Animated Sombrero-Wearing Parrot

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Rick Santorum Relieved No One Has Asked Him About Interracial Marriage Yet

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Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum Believes Every Deranged Word That Comes Out Of His Mouth

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Huntsman Drops Out, Endorses Huntsman

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Latest GOP Debate Concludes With Candidates Wrestling Squealing Pig To Ground And Slaughtering It

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Heartbroken Santorum Condemns Gay Marriage For Two-Timing Jerks Like Nick

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White-Hot GOP Race Down To Two Mentally Ill People, Person Who Lost Nomination Last Time

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Handlers Constantly Reminding Gingrich To Stay On Uninspiring, Belittling Message

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Rick Santorum Asks U.S. Populace If He's Still Running For President

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Did The Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman?

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Rick Perry Speech Electrifies 1,200 Scared, Miserable Racists

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Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

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Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave

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Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich

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Romney Now Flaunting His Wealth To Impress Voters

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Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign

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Herman Cain Endorses Who Gives A Fuck

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Romney Spends Most Of Factory Visit Yelling At Employees To Work Harder

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Poll Shows Best Part Of Primary Season Has Been Really Getting To Know, Spend Time With 4 Great Guys

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Poll: 63% Of Americans Say They Have A Problem With A Mormon President Who Is Also Mitt Romney

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Group Of '90s Footnotes Welcomes Gingrich Home

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Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination

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