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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The 2013 NFL Season: A Retrospective

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Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

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Some Kind Of Smart-Ass Wearing Kevin Kolb Jersey

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Jay Cutler Hoping To Prove Doubters Whatever In Contract Year

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Area Man Caught Up In Meaningless Fantasy Game

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Andy Reid Motivates Chiefs With Inspirational Speech About Great Burrito Place

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Jenn Sterger Still Receiving Lewd Brett Favre Texts

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Jets Fans, Mark Sanchez Really Hoping Shoulder Injury Rules Him Out For Rest Of Season

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Troy Polamalu Lands On Injured Reserve After Feebleminded Ben Roethlisberger Accidentally Breaks His Neck

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Tony Romo Confident Bruised Ribs Won’t Hurt His Performance In Upcoming Ballet Recital

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Report: Several NFL Teams Interested In Tim Tebow As Grounds Crew Worker

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Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

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Giants Nervous They Might Actually All Be On Same Page

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Roger Goodell Announces NFL Will Begin Collecting Players’ Sperm For New Breeding Program

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53 Worst Current Buffalo Bills Players

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Report: Aldon Smith’s Leave Of Absence Could Devastate San Francisco’s Bar Scene

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Jay Cutler Proudly Watches Son Throw First Tantrum

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New Pro Football Hall Of Fame Exhibit Allows Visitors To Experience Concussion

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Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins

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Peyton Manning Takes Advantage Of Indianapolis Trip To Visit Wife, Children

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NFL Forbids Chiefs From Creating Their Own Schedule Again Next Season

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Locker Room Reporter Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Jerry Jones Naked

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Dan Dierdorf Provides In-Depth Analysis Of Player’s Shoe Falling Off

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Alarming MRI Shows Peyton Manning Has Been Dead For Past 6 Months

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Bill Belichick Places Rob Gronkowski In Patriots’ Injured Reserve Cage

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NFL Players Worried Increased Media Scrutiny Could Disrupt Locker Room BDSM Culture

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Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season

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BREAKING: Producers Assume Shannon Sharpe Doing Highlights Right Now

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Wes Welker Tragically Crushed To Death By Tipped-Over Microphone

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Media Relieved They Don’t Have To Deal With Fucking Harbaughs This Year

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Al-Qaeda Operative Can’t Believe How Expensive Super Bowl Tickets Are

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Pete Carroll’s Friends, Family Admit They’d Love To See Him Get Blown Out In A Super Bowl

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Roger Goodell Freezes To Death

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Depraved Lombardi Trophy Excited To Be Covered In Greasy Fingerprints

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Super Bowl Confetti Made Entirely From Shredded Concussion Studies

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Panicking Marshawn Lynch Unable To Deactivate Beast Mode

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