The 2013 NFL Season: A Retrospective

Top Headlines

Sports

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...

Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency

The first 72 hours of NFL free agency have ranked among the most frenzied and chaotic in league history, with a slew of high-profile players changing teams and signing record deals.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Small Business

The 2013 NFL Season: A Retrospective

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

Read Full Article

Some Kind Of Smart-Ass Wearing Kevin Kolb Jersey

Read Full Article

Jay Cutler Hoping To Prove Doubters Whatever In Contract Year

Read Full Article

Area Man Caught Up In Meaningless Fantasy Game

Read Full Article

Andy Reid Motivates Chiefs With Inspirational Speech About Great Burrito Place

Read Full Article

Jenn Sterger Still Receiving Lewd Brett Favre Texts

Read Full Article

Jets Fans, Mark Sanchez Really Hoping Shoulder Injury Rules Him Out For Rest Of Season

Read Full Article

Troy Polamalu Lands On Injured Reserve After Feebleminded Ben Roethlisberger Accidentally Breaks His Neck

Read Full Article

Tony Romo Confident Bruised Ribs Won’t Hurt His Performance In Upcoming Ballet Recital

Read Full Article

Report: Several NFL Teams Interested In Tim Tebow As Grounds Crew Worker

Read Full Article

Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

Read Full Article

Giants Nervous They Might Actually All Be On Same Page

Read Full Article

Roger Goodell Announces NFL Will Begin Collecting Players’ Sperm For New Breeding Program

Read Full Article

53 Worst Current Buffalo Bills Players

Read Full Article

Report: Aldon Smith’s Leave Of Absence Could Devastate San Francisco’s Bar Scene

Read Full Article

Jay Cutler Proudly Watches Son Throw First Tantrum

Read Full Article

New Pro Football Hall Of Fame Exhibit Allows Visitors To Experience Concussion

Read Full Article

Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins

Read Full Article

Peyton Manning Takes Advantage Of Indianapolis Trip To Visit Wife, Children

Read Full Article

NFL Forbids Chiefs From Creating Their Own Schedule Again Next Season

Read Full Article

Locker Room Reporter Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Jerry Jones Naked

Read Full Article

Dan Dierdorf Provides In-Depth Analysis Of Player’s Shoe Falling Off

Read Full Article

Alarming MRI Shows Peyton Manning Has Been Dead For Past 6 Months

Read Full Article

Bill Belichick Places Rob Gronkowski In Patriots’ Injured Reserve Cage

Read Full Article

NFL Players Worried Increased Media Scrutiny Could Disrupt Locker Room BDSM Culture

Read Full Article

Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season

Read Full Article

BREAKING: Producers Assume Shannon Sharpe Doing Highlights Right Now

Read Full Article

Wes Welker Tragically Crushed To Death By Tipped-Over Microphone

Read Full Article

Media Relieved They Don’t Have To Deal With Fucking Harbaughs This Year

Read Full Article

Al-Qaeda Operative Can’t Believe How Expensive Super Bowl Tickets Are

Read Full Article

Pete Carroll’s Friends, Family Admit They’d Love To See Him Get Blown Out In A Super Bowl

Read Full Article

Roger Goodell Freezes To Death

Read Full Article

Depraved Lombardi Trophy Excited To Be Covered In Greasy Fingerprints

Read Full Article

Super Bowl Confetti Made Entirely From Shredded Concussion Studies

Read Full Article

Panicking Marshawn Lynch Unable To Deactivate Beast Mode

Read Full Article
Next Story