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The 2013 NFL Season: A Retrospective

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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The 2013 NFL Season: A Retrospective

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

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Some Kind Of Smart-Ass Wearing Kevin Kolb Jersey

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Jay Cutler Hoping To Prove Doubters Whatever In Contract Year

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Area Man Caught Up In Meaningless Fantasy Game

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Andy Reid Motivates Chiefs With Inspirational Speech About Great Burrito Place

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Jenn Sterger Still Receiving Lewd Brett Favre Texts

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Jets Fans, Mark Sanchez Really Hoping Shoulder Injury Rules Him Out For Rest Of Season

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Troy Polamalu Lands On Injured Reserve After Feebleminded Ben Roethlisberger Accidentally Breaks His Neck

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Tony Romo Confident Bruised Ribs Won’t Hurt His Performance In Upcoming Ballet Recital

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Report: Several NFL Teams Interested In Tim Tebow As Grounds Crew Worker

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Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

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Giants Nervous They Might Actually All Be On Same Page

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Roger Goodell Announces NFL Will Begin Collecting Players’ Sperm For New Breeding Program

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53 Worst Current Buffalo Bills Players

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Report: Aldon Smith’s Leave Of Absence Could Devastate San Francisco’s Bar Scene

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Jay Cutler Proudly Watches Son Throw First Tantrum

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New Pro Football Hall Of Fame Exhibit Allows Visitors To Experience Concussion

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Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins

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Peyton Manning Takes Advantage Of Indianapolis Trip To Visit Wife, Children

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NFL Forbids Chiefs From Creating Their Own Schedule Again Next Season

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Locker Room Reporter Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Jerry Jones Naked

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Dan Dierdorf Provides In-Depth Analysis Of Player’s Shoe Falling Off

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Alarming MRI Shows Peyton Manning Has Been Dead For Past 6 Months

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Bill Belichick Places Rob Gronkowski In Patriots’ Injured Reserve Cage

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NFL Players Worried Increased Media Scrutiny Could Disrupt Locker Room BDSM Culture

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Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season

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BREAKING: Producers Assume Shannon Sharpe Doing Highlights Right Now

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Wes Welker Tragically Crushed To Death By Tipped-Over Microphone

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Media Relieved They Don’t Have To Deal With Fucking Harbaughs This Year

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Al-Qaeda Operative Can’t Believe How Expensive Super Bowl Tickets Are

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Pete Carroll’s Friends, Family Admit They’d Love To See Him Get Blown Out In A Super Bowl

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Roger Goodell Freezes To Death

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Depraved Lombardi Trophy Excited To Be Covered In Greasy Fingerprints

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Super Bowl Confetti Made Entirely From Shredded Concussion Studies

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Panicking Marshawn Lynch Unable To Deactivate Beast Mode

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