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Vol 46 Issue 28

ESPN Green-Lights 'The Decision' For 22 More Episodes

BRISTOL, CT—ESPN president George Bodenheimer announced Wednesday that the hour-long program The Decision, a melodrama about NBA superstar LeBron James declaring his intention to join the Miami Heat, has been green-lighted for an additional 22 episo...

Boulder, Colorado, Named Best Place To Raise Abducted Children

BOULDER, CO—"Boulder is the perfect place for me and the girls," said a local resident who asked that we refer to him only as Peter. "Trust me, we've lived all over: Sacramento, Reno, Tucson, Dallas, Orlando, northern Mexico for a few weeks, Dallas again, even Alaska. Nowhere else comes close."

Clinton Brought In On Economy

The White House announced Wednesday that it had enlisted former president Bill Clinton to reach out to businesses and encourage job creation.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

The Best Of God

God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
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God Introduces New Bird
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God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz
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God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy
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God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church
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God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again
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God Demands Cuter Precious Moments Figurines
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Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities
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God Promises 'Big Surprises' In Store For Hurricane Season
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