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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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The Onion's Comprehensive Guide To Thanksgiving

The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving

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Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time

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Reporter Investigates Claims He Ruined His Family's Thanksgiving Dinner

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Mom Brought To Tears By Thing Picked Up At Airport

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Top Thanksgiving Turkey Substitutes

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Why Are We Hosting Thanksgiving?

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Thanksgiving Football Highlights

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Americans Enjoying Thanksgiving Tradition Of Sitting Around At Airport

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Obama Outlines Moral, Philosophical Justifications For Turkey Pardon

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20,000 Sacrificed In Annual Blood Offering To Corporate America

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FDA Approves Seconds

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Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count

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26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

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Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free

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Unstable Relative, Toddler Compete For Attention At Family Get-Together

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Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think

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95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family

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Nation's Uncles Enter Last Stage Of Prep For Thursday's Thanksgiving Debates

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Who Are We Inviting To Thanksgiving?

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Cowboys' Presumed Thanksgiving Win To Cause Nation To Vomit Up Dinners

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New Balloons In This Year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

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Domino's Introduces Thanksgiving Feast Pizza

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In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume

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BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All

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Dez Bryant Smacks Son During Thanksgiving Game Promo

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Turkey Pardon Mishap Results In Accidental Release Of Serial Rapist

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Siblings Gather Around PowerPoint To Hash Out Off-Limits Topics For Thanksgiving

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Thousands Gather For Stuffing Of Giant Rockefeller Center Turkey

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White House Thanksgiving Turkey Detained Without Counsel

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Black Friday Deals

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How To Cook A Perfect Thanksgiving Turkey

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The Clemency Of Cranberry

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Winter Storm Threatens Homeless Man’s Plans To Survive Over Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving By The Numbers

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FAA Issues Holiday Reminder That Planes Can Crash And Kill You

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What's Our Family's Thanksgiving Tradition?

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Unclear Whether Grandpa Having Good Time

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The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

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Pope Francis Canonizes Single Turkey In Annual Vatican Tradition

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Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table

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