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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The Onion's Comprehensive Guide To Thanksgiving

The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving

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Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time

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Reporter Investigates Claims He Ruined His Family's Thanksgiving Dinner

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Mom Brought To Tears By Thing Picked Up At Airport

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Top Thanksgiving Turkey Substitutes

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Why Are We Hosting Thanksgiving?

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Thanksgiving Football Highlights

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Americans Enjoying Thanksgiving Tradition Of Sitting Around At Airport

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Obama Outlines Moral, Philosophical Justifications For Turkey Pardon

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20,000 Sacrificed In Annual Blood Offering To Corporate America

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FDA Approves Seconds

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Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count

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26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

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Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free

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Unstable Relative, Toddler Compete For Attention At Family Get-Together

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Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think

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95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family

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Nation's Uncles Enter Last Stage Of Prep For Thursday's Thanksgiving Debates

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Who Are We Inviting To Thanksgiving?

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Cowboys' Presumed Thanksgiving Win To Cause Nation To Vomit Up Dinners

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New Balloons In This Year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

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Domino's Introduces Thanksgiving Feast Pizza

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In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume

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BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All

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Dez Bryant Smacks Son During Thanksgiving Game Promo

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Turkey Pardon Mishap Results In Accidental Release Of Serial Rapist

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Siblings Gather Around PowerPoint To Hash Out Off-Limits Topics For Thanksgiving

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Thousands Gather For Stuffing Of Giant Rockefeller Center Turkey

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White House Thanksgiving Turkey Detained Without Counsel

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Black Friday Deals

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How To Cook A Perfect Thanksgiving Turkey

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The Clemency Of Cranberry

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Winter Storm Threatens Homeless Man’s Plans To Survive Over Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving By The Numbers

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FAA Issues Holiday Reminder That Planes Can Crash And Kill You

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What's Our Family's Thanksgiving Tradition?

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Unclear Whether Grandpa Having Good Time

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The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

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Pope Francis Canonizes Single Turkey In Annual Vatican Tradition

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Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table

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