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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

The Onion's Finest Photojournalism Of 2012

Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef

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'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine

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Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Arrive On Oscar Red Carpet 12 Hours Early

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Supreme Court Justices Drowsily Bid One Another Good Night While Drifting Off To Sleep In Giant Shared Bed

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Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial

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Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day

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Area Family Awakes To Find Michelle Obama Tending Backyard Garden

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Obama Up Early Cooking Breakfast In One Of Michelle's Extra Long T-Shirts

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Fed Chief Makes Diplomatic Visit To Econopolis

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Gay Marine Beaten To Bloody Pulp To Fire Up RNC Crowd

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Romney, Ryan Sneak Into DNC While Posing As Caterers

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Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87

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Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory

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Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines

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Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates

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Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder

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U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

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Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls

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