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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine

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Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Arrive On Oscar Red Carpet 12 Hours Early

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Supreme Court Justices Drowsily Bid One Another Good Night While Drifting Off To Sleep In Giant Shared Bed

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Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial

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Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day

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Area Family Awakes To Find Michelle Obama Tending Backyard Garden

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Obama Up Early Cooking Breakfast In One Of Michelle's Extra Long T-Shirts

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Fed Chief Makes Diplomatic Visit To Econopolis

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Gay Marine Beaten To Bloody Pulp To Fire Up RNC Crowd

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Romney, Ryan Sneak Into DNC While Posing As Caterers

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Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87

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Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory

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Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines

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Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates

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Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder

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U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

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Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls

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