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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

The Onion's Finest Photojournalism Of 2012

Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef

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'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine

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Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Arrive On Oscar Red Carpet 12 Hours Early

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Supreme Court Justices Drowsily Bid One Another Good Night While Drifting Off To Sleep In Giant Shared Bed

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Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial

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Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day

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Area Family Awakes To Find Michelle Obama Tending Backyard Garden

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Obama Up Early Cooking Breakfast In One Of Michelle's Extra Long T-Shirts

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Fed Chief Makes Diplomatic Visit To Econopolis

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Gay Marine Beaten To Bloody Pulp To Fire Up RNC Crowd

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Romney, Ryan Sneak Into DNC While Posing As Caterers

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Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87

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Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory

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Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines

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Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates

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Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder

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U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

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Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls

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