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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Arrive On Oscar Red Carpet 12 Hours Early

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Supreme Court Justices Drowsily Bid One Another Good Night While Drifting Off To Sleep In Giant Shared Bed

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Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial

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Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day

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Area Family Awakes To Find Michelle Obama Tending Backyard Garden

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Obama Up Early Cooking Breakfast In One Of Michelle's Extra Long T-Shirts

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Fed Chief Makes Diplomatic Visit To Econopolis

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Gay Marine Beaten To Bloody Pulp To Fire Up RNC Crowd

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Romney, Ryan Sneak Into DNC While Posing As Caterers

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Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87

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Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory

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Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines

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Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates

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Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder

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U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

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Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls

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