The Presidency

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Vol 45 Issue 44

House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents

HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, this suburban bungalow is haunted by the restless, tormented souls of its residents, the Davidson family.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

The Presidency

Obama Outfitted With 238 Motion Capture Sensors For 3-D Record Of Presidency
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Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency
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Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box
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Report: Presidents Washington Through Bush May Have Lied About Key Matters
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U.S. Government Finds $20 Trillion Buried By Absentminded Reagan In 1987
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Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009
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Clinton Injected With Highly Unstable Experimental Growth Serum
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Obama Depressed, Distant Since 'Battlestar Galactica' Series Finale
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Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation
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George W. Bush Chuckles To Self Upon Thinking About How He Was President Of The United States For Almost A Decade
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