The Reelection Of Barack Obama: Four More Years Of Crushing America's Hopes And Dreams

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Vol 48 Issue 45

Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good

CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good. “Oh, man, ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

The Reelection Of Barack Obama: Four More Years Of Crushing America's Hopes And Dreams

Obama Openly Asks Nation Why On Earth He Would Want To Serve For Another Term
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In Major Gaffe, Obama Forgets To Dumb It Down
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Obama Pledges To Repeal Health Care Law If Reelected
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'Romney Murdered JonBenét Ramsey,' New Obama Campaign Ad Alleges
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Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go
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Obama Makes Surprise Visit To Quantum-Branching Multiverse On Alternate Hyperdimensional Plane
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Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama
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Unemployed Man Who Had To Move Back In With His Parents Still For Obama
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Obama's 19-Year-Old Son Makes Rare Appearance At DNC
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Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness'
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Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy
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Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate
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Sasha Obama Asks Father Why He Was Acting Like Such A Pussy During Debate
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Obama Unsure How To Turn Huge Support Among Women, Latinos, Gays, African-Americans Into Electoral Victory
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Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack
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Weeping Obama Breaks Down, Admits Bin Laden Still Alive And Out There Somewhere
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Defeated Man Victorious
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