WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, 23 percent of Americans would vote for Jeb Bush in the presidential election if the Republican candidate was standing directly beside them in the voting booth.
CHARLESTON, SC—Declaring that opening the nation’s doors to displaced Syrians posed a major security threat, GOP leaders warned Tuesday that any refugees who resettled in the U.S. would most likely be driven to terrorism by the way America treats them.
WASHINGTON—Sitting Indian-style on the Senate floor surrounded by Magic Markers, crayons, and construction paper, members of Congress spent the afternoon in a special session Monday drawing pictures of their dream Capitols, sources reported.
MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.
MILWAUKEE—Saying his struggle was illustrative of how our economic system has failed countless hardworking Americans over the past 20 years, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina shared a heartbreaking story at Tuesday night’s GOP primary debate about a father of three who simply couldn’t meet his sales goals.
GOP presidential frontrunner Ben Carson is currently under fire for claims he’s made about his past in books and interviews, many of which journalists have alleged are fabricated or skewed in the candidate’s favor. The Onion breaks down what’s truth and what’s fiction.
MANCHESTER, NH—Reportedly cupping his hands around his eyes for a better look at the cheerful volunteers inside, presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham gazed longingly into the window of fellow candidate Marco Rubio’s bustling New Hampshire campaign headquarters Thursday.
WASHINGTON—Calmly stating that they would not even need to think twice about doing so, the nation’s wealthiest individuals ominously reminded the populace during a press conference Wednesday that they could easily drop another $10 billion on the 2016 election.
WASHINGTON—Instructing his colleagues to take a good, long look at what happens to consensus seekers, Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-TX) publicly displayed the impaled body of a fellow senator at the entrance to the Capitol building Thursday as a warning to anyone thinking about crossing party lines.
WASHINGTON—Moving a 19th-century armchair away from the mahogany-paneled wall as he rearranged his new office Wednesday, recently elected House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly stumbled upon a half-finished escape tunnel leading out of the Speaker’s chambers.
WASHINGTON—Calling the process essential to preventing overgrowth and promoting renewal, a study released Tuesday by researchers at American University found that regular, controlled Washington, D.C. wildfires are crucial to the restoration of a healthy political environment.
Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates
With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election
STAMPS, AR—Whistling “Hail To The Chief” as he flipped the coin into the air and caught it in his palm, Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee confirmed Friday that he had earned a nickel for his campaign by painting an elderly widow’s picket fence.
The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate
BOULDER, CO—Speculating that he might be nudging it just a tiny bit with his foot or something, Americans viewing Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate said that candidate Jeb Bush appeared to be inching his podium closer to the center of the stage during the commercial breaks.
BOULDER, CO—Vowing to be a forceful advocate for the group, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina promised during her opening remarks at Wednesday’s GOP debate that she would fight tirelessly for whoever everyday Americans are.
WASHINGTON—Pulling the congressman aside Wednesday and sitting him down in his office, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) reportedly told his likely successor, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), that he had once been young and beautiful too.
BOULDER, CO—Arriving in Colorado several days early to get acclimated to the 5,400-foot elevation, Republican presidential candidates have reportedly been preparing for Wednesday’s GOP primary debate with a series of high-altitude speaking drills.
BOULDER, CO—Reflecting on the repeated drubbings they have doled out since the process began six months ago, advisors for Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio confirmed Wednesday they are secretly enjoying totally destroying him during their practice debates.
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the difficult decision needed to be discussed with those closest to him, Wisconsin representative Paul Ryan told reporters Thursday that he was still awaiting the firm approval of his trusted SoulCycle instructor before accepting the House Speaker role.
WASHINGTON—Saying it represented the most efficient use of the panel’s time, members of the House Select Committee on Benghazi instructed Hillary Clinton on Thursday to limit her answers to “I failed the American people.”
WASHINGTON—Saying they can’t wait to see the looks on the faces of the nation’s most avid gun enthusiasts, top government officials outlined their plan Wednesday to confiscate the legal firearms of one American citizen just to make the rest of them squirm.
COLUMBUS, OH—Facing a critical shortage of key lethal injection drugs with over 100 inmates currently waiting on the state’s death row, desperate Ohio officials announced Tuesday that they were now exploring homeopathic execution methods.
ATLANTA—Struggling in vain to free himself from the sticky vessel, GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was reportedly forced to attend a campaign fundraiser Tuesday with his head stuck firmly inside a crock of molasses.
SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.
LACONIA, NH—Promising that it would only take a second, Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham reportedly asked a nearby family Friday if they could take his picture for a photo op at a local fall harvest festival.
NEW YORK—Leaving the package directly on the center of the bed for the senator to discover upon his arrival, billionaire industrialist David Koch delivered a suit with a note reading “Wear this tonight” to Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s room at the Waldorf Astoria hotel Wednesday, sources confirmed.
LAS VEGAS—Saying his repeated efforts to collectively organize the panel were inexcusable, representatives from CNN told reporters Tuesday night that they had to scold Bernie Sanders on numerous occasions for attempting to unionize the moderators of the Democratic presidential debate.
LAS VEGAS—Saying the presidential candidate simply wouldn’t go on stage unless her requests were met, Hillary Clinton’s campaign staffers informed CNN producers Tuesday that her dressing room must be stocked with four pounds of flavorless protein paste ahead of tonight’s Democratic primary debate.
LAS VEGAS—In an effort to help the presidential hopeful make her best possible impression during tonight’s Democratic primary debate, Hillary Clinton’s aides gently reminded her Tuesday not to refer to her opponents as “obstacles to greatness.”
WASHINGTON—As the hall’s lights flickered and the floor trembled for minutes on end, sources confirmed that great torrents of blood ran down the walls of the House of Representatives Monday as the chamber itself selected a new speaker.
The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate
WASHINGTON—In an effort to carefully weigh every option before determining his future, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly huddled with several of his closest advisers Friday to decide whether to “pony up 200 smackers” for Scorpions tickets.
SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.
WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.
WASHINGTON—Researchers at the Urban Institute published a study Friday confirming that a sharp increase in gun sales nationwide would be the most concrete result of the impassioned pro-gun-control speech that President Obama delivered following yesterday’s mass shooting in Oregon.
CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.
WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.
WASHINGTON—With various proposals emerging as key components of each of the 2016 presidential hopefuls’ immigration policies, sources confirmed Thursday that the Republican field remains sharply divided regarding how much voltage should be used to electrify a border wall with Mexico.
MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.
WASHINGTON—Gathering together outside the House chamber to trade ideas Tuesday, the nation’s lawmakers reportedly brainstormed complimentary things they could say about poor people when they meet with Pope Francis later this week.
WASHINGTON—Saying the measure was necessary to ensure he met his daily quota of surveys administered, Gallup pollster Marc Perello told reporters that he was forced to cut off another GOP voter’s enraged rant Monday in order to get to his next phone call.
CONCORD, NH—Emphasizing the allure and appeal of the 30-foot length of electrical power cable that shared the stage with the former Florida governor, sources confirmed that an orange three-pronged extension cord completely stole the spotlight from Jeb Bush during a New Hampshire campaign rally Friday.
WASHINGTON—After locating several empty seats at a communal table near the service counter, President Barack Obama reportedly held diplomatic talks with a Saudi Arabian delegation Friday at a local Starbucks while the Oval Office carpet was being cleaned.
WASHINGTON—Saying she had proven herself to be a formidable contender worthy of respect, GOP leaders announced Thursday that Carly Fiorina had been officially promoted to a male candidate after her strong showing in last night’s primary debate.
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.
SIMI VALLEY, CA—Reckoning it was dern near hotter on the stage than a $2 pistol, a shirtless Mike Huckabee reportedly spent the entire Republican primary debate Wednesday seated in a rickety rocking chair.
SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.
SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.
BROOKLYN, NY—After several months of diligent effort, staff members working on Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign confirmed Wednesday they have made significant progress in conditioning her to convincingly recreate and convey a limited spectrum of emotions.
Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:
WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the frustration, fatigue, and utter despair felt by voters, the Federal Election Commission issued a directive Friday that mandates a break of one full year between each presidential term as a respite for the weary American people.
‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents
WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.
‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers
WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
TIPTON, IA—Following Gov. Scott Walker’s recent endorsement of building a fence along the Canadian border, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly worried Monday that all the good foreign countries to wall off from the U.S. had already been taken by other GOP candidates.
WASHINGTON—Wistfully recalling the prominence he had in previous campaign cycles, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters Monday that he is nostalgic for a time when his beliefs were considered outlandish enough to make headlines.
WASHINGTON—Waiting in line and nervously watching as, one by one, his fellow presidential candidates took their turn inside the machine, Gov. Scott Walker told reporters Thursday that the GOP Female Experience Simulator had so far left every contender for the party’s nomination disoriented, confused, and deeply distressed.
PASADENA, CA—Upending the conventionally held assumption that the United States must exclusively be moving along a single good or bad path forward, quantum political scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a paper Thursday hypothesizing that the country is, in fact, headed in both the right and wrong directions simultaneously.
Recent polls indicate that, despite public outcry against his incendiary comments on women and minorities, Donald Trump is still the leading Republican candidate. Here are some reasons Trump stays so popular with his supporters:
FORT MILL, SC—Subjecting his body to intense and highly dangerous levels of stress, an out-of-control Scott Walker was said to be severely hurt Monday after careening wildly between several different stances on immigration.
MANCHESTER, NH—Describing the current Republican frontrunner’s frankness on the topic as a welcome change of pace in the crowded race, female supporters of Donald Trump told reporters Monday they simply felt more comfortable backing a candidate who is openly hostile and belittling toward them.
SUNAPEE, NH—Taking a deep breath and slowly regaining his composure as he reflected on the disaster he had narrowly averted, Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker appeared visibly relieved after managing to stop himself just short of acknowledging immigrants’ humanity while speaking at a campaign event Friday, sources confirmed.
IOWA CITY, IA—Just minutes before taking the stage for a town hall event Friday, Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham reportedly chastised himself upon realizing he had left the CD-R containing his campaign song in his room at the Red Roof Inn.
With his two-term presidency drawing to a close, Barack Obama has been meeting with several high-profile public figures to determine the trajectory of his post–White House legacy. Here are some of the proposed plans
This week, Donald Trump unveiled his plan for addressing immigration as president, a series of core principles that specify his heretofore generalized statements about America’s relationship with immigrants. Here are the items detailed in Trump’s outline
WASHINGTON—Amidst a recent decline in support from likely primary voters, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was assured by campaign staffers Monday that her drop in the polls was merely an indication that people have not yet abandoned their ideals.
HOPE, AR—Saying all public appearances would be canceled until they could find a way to free the former Arkansas governor, officials announced Friday that Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign had been suspended due to the Republican candidate becoming trapped in a briar patch.
Hillary Clinton agreed to turn over her private email server to the FBI Wednesday after it was alleged that emails sent over her personal account could be compromised outside the possession of the government. Here are some of the contents of Clinton’s emails that have been inspected thus far
WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.
WASHINGTON—Saying the long nights of cramming from the study guide and the constant drilling from flashcards had really worn on his nerves, Arne Duncan told reporters Tuesday that preparing for the upcoming standardized Secretary of Education Test was completely stressing him out.
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, nearly nine in 10 Americans believe that President Obama has failed to move the nation any closer to becoming an ethereal paradise of pure and everlasting pleasure.
WASHINGTON—Seeking the customer service representative’s feedback on everything from his political platform to selecting personal anecdotes, South Carolina senator and Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham reportedly stayed up all night Monday running campaign ideas by a toll-free telephone operator.
In light of Donald Trump’s controversial comments about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly and the Republican Party’s divisive views on Planned Parenthood, many are wondering how the party will win the female vote in next year’s presidential election.
On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Below are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.
On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Here are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.
WASHINGTON—Testing out different phrases and vocal inflections as he has done almost every night for the past seven years, President Barack Obama sat at his desk in the early morning hours Friday rehearsing a defiant speech he’d give to aliens should they one day invade, Oval Office sources confirmed.
CLEVELAND—After the fourth such interruption of the night forced him to pause Thursday’s Republican presidential debate, frustrated moderator Chris Wallace sternly reminded attendees to refrain from any John Kasich chants while other candidates were speaking.
CLEVELAND—Noting that there are millions of entrepreneurs throughout the country who are in the same difficult position, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump responded to a question about the economy at Thursday night’s primary debate by sharing an anecdote about meeting a struggling small business owner who isn’t half the man he is.
CLEVELAND—Hailing the bygone era as a golden age of opportunity, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal spent his opening remarks during Thursday’s GOP debate vowing to return America to a time when he was a rising star within the Republican Party.
The first Republican primary debate will air Thursday evening on Fox News and will feature the top 10 polling candidates, with Donald Trump in a strong lead, as they field questions from moderators Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly, and Chris Wallace. Here’s what to expect during tonight’s debate:
WASHINGTON—Vaulting the ivy-covered garden wall and padding silently to the rendezvous spot beneath the lightly swaying linden trees, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) reportedly engaged in a forbidden midnight meeting Wednesday with a super PAC supporting his presidential campaign.
The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:
BURLINGTON, VT—After accepting a check sent to his campaign office by a local elementary school teacher, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was roundly criticized Monday as being firmly in the pocket of the high-rolling educator who had donated $300.
President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan
WASHINGTON—Taking slow, labored breaths while clutching his distended abdomen, a bloated President Obama delivered a press conference Wednesday while seated on a couch several feet behind the podium in the White House briefing room.
URBANDALE, IA—Saying it was important that the candidate have a distinctive, relatable look, campaign consultant Brian Sims reportedly presented Republican presidential hopeful Scott Walker with several possible human sides to choose from Wednesday.
DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to accommodate the tremendous influx of presidential candidates pouring into the state, Iowa Republican Party officials announced Tuesday the construction of a massive town hall stadium to play host to the campaigning.
WASHINGTON—Noting that the field of presidential hopefuls currently exceeded maximum capacity, the Republican National Committee announced Monday it was offering a cash voucher to any GOP candidates willing to give up their spot in the 2016 race and run again in a later election.
Donald Trump made the financial disclosures this week required of all presidential candidates, divulging his job titles, assets, and other information in a 92-page report. Here are some things we learned about Trump in these documents
After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward
WASHINGTON—After securing the 71-year-old to the hoist line of a crane and lifting him high overhead, officials at the Heritage Foundation think tank reportedly lowered retired GOP senator Saxby Chambliss into a giant vat of conservative policy experts Thursday.
BROOKLYN, NY—Hoping to send a message that this type of behavior would not be tolerated on the campaign trail, the Federal Election Commission announced Thursday that it had suspended Hillary Clinton for three weeks for spitting on one of her campaign volunteers.
Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
BOULDER, CO—Following the completion of his lengthy divorce proceedings earlier this week, local man Brian Keller, 43, sorrowfully removed his now ex-wife’s administrator privileges from his home security system, sources confirmed Tuesday.
The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: