NEW YORK—Refusing to be denied victory by the 22-year-old intern blocking home plate, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton bowled over the opposing team’s catcher to score the winning run in her campaign staff’s softball game Sunday, sources confirmed.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to bolster his campaign war chest after reporting historically low levels of cash on hand heading into July, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly raised $50 million at a Thursday night fundraiser dinner in which GOP donors were given the chance to watch him weep for two consecutive hours.
NEW YORK—With his presidential campaign facing a historic funding shortfall that has left it with only $1.3 million on hand, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump was reportedly forced to reduce costs this week by replacing Eric Trump with a cheap migrant son.
NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.
WASHINGTON—Breaking into a smile as he read the words “inclusiveness” and “young voters,” RNC chairman Reince Priebus couldn’t help but shake his head in amusement Wednesday while flipping through an 18-month-old briefing on the Republican Party’s plans for the 2016 election, sources reported.
WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.
WASHINGTON—Staring down in shock at her empty hands where the piece of legislation had been only seconds earlier, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was reportedly left horrified Monday after her gun control bill disintegrated immediately upon crossing into the Senate chamber.
NEW YORK—Appearing relaxed and in high spirits as he sprinkled handfuls of bird feed around his rooftop coop, Donald Trump reportedly told his flock of domesticated pigeons Monday that it has been hard spending so much time away from them during his presidential campaign.
WASHINGTON—Addressing reporters after meeting with President Obama at the White House this morning, Bernie Sanders called upon his followers to post long-winded, extremely aggressive rants on social media, according to local supporter Ryan Bailey’s interpretation of the speech.
WASHINGTON—Admitting it was actually kind of a relief to have it over with, the nation’s voters reported Thursday that with Bernie Sanders no longer possessing a viable path to the nomination, they were glad they got all their feelings of hope in politicians out of their system for the next election cycle or two.
TAMPA, FL—Saying they had been so swept up in the excitement of the moment that they hadn’t been paying attention to what they were shouting, the crowd at a Donald Trump rally in Tampa reportedly came to the realization Wednesday that they had been chanting the phrase “We are frightened and helpless” for the past half hour.
FAIRFAX, VA—Tearing up as she reflected on the significance of Hillary Clinton being named the presumptive Democratic candidate, 85-year-old voter Deborah Hanson told reporters Wednesday she never thought she’d get to see a female presidential nominee be called a heartless ice bitch during her lifetime.
WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.
Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say
NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.
WASHINGTON—According to a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center, approximately 70 percent of public officials who endorse Donald Trump for president do so after staring at their bedroom ceiling for at least four hours.
WASHINGTON—Saying they vaguely remembered the presidential candidate making the statement in front of a large rally but that they might be mistaken, citizens across the country were reportedly unable to recall Tuesday if Donald Trump had promised to personally fund abortion clinic bombings or if that just sounded right.
Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
BROOKLYN, NY—Shaking violently as she fought to slowly lift the 225-pound load, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly set a new personal single rep squat record Friday while watching Bernie Sanders speak about the upcoming California primary on her gym’s television.
WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of the barrage of daily spectacles they would soon be subjected to, citizens across the nation reported Friday they were dreading having to spend the next half year watching presidential candidates attempt to relate to them.
WASHINGTON—Expressing concern over his increasingly combative behavior and refusal to cooperate with others, sources confirmed this week that Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), who comes from a troubled home state, has been frequently acting out in Congress.
NEW YORK—Retiring to his candlelit study with a hot mug of chamomile tea as he does every night, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly sat down beside a crackling fire Thursday with his quill and ink for a long evening of writing out tweets.
Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:
WASHINGTON—Saying he was already dealing with low energy and persistent hunger pangs, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Tuesday his rift with Donald Trump was not at all what he needed right in the middle of a 14-day cleanse.
WASHINGTON—Reflecting widespread dissatisfaction with the two major parties’ presumptive nominees for president, a Gallup poll released Monday found that a sizable segment of the U.S. electorate would strongly consider supporting an equally unlikable third-party candidate in the general election.
WASHINGTON—Having failed to prevent Donald Trump from securing their party’s presidential nomination despite a deliberate and concerted effort, members of the Republican establishment admitted being quietly relieved Thursday that the GOP was no longer their responsibility.
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Local Donald Trump supporter David Kearney informed reporters Thursday that, although his preferred candidate had already effectively secured the GOP nomination for president, he still planned on rioting at the Republican National Convention anyway.
WASHINGTON—Explaining that this wasn’t exactly what they had in mind, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday they were kind of hoping for a different outcome when so many concerned citizens came together to make their voices heard.