The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2013

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 49

Saints vs. Panthers

The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win. 

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games: Texans at Jaguars OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner...

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.

8th Grader Caked In Makeup Probably Really Confident

A slow-witted conspiracy theorist is convinced the government is behind NASA, the grisly remains of 15 hobbits is discovered in Peter Jackson's attic, and a cool guy from middle school is still sporting his phat pair of JNCOS.

New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking ...

Lawsuit Seeks Human Rights For Chimps

Borrowing rhetoric from the anti-slavery movement, a lawsuit filed in New York on behalf of four captive chimpanzees seeks to recognize chimps as legal persons with a limited right to liberty, which would prohibit them from being kept as pets or used in b...

NSA Tracking Locations Of Millions Of Cell Phones

According to an investigation by The Washington Post, the National Security Agency is currently tracking the locations of hundreds of millions of cell phones worldwide belonging to both Americans and foreigners, with the agency collecting nearly 5 ...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2013

‘What If We Put M&M’s On Top? Would They Eat That?’ Doritos Exec Wonders Out Loud
Read Full Article
Bloomberg Defends NYPD’s Controversial Stop And Kiss Program
Read Full Article
New Report Shows Many U.S. Businesses Actually Just Fronts For Moneymaking Operations
Read Full Article
Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God
Read Full Article
Deformed Freak Born Without Penis
Read Full Article
Cool Guy From Middle School Still Sporting Phat Pair Of JNCOs
Read Full Article
Red Lobster Welcomes Back ‘Defrosted Shrimp Days’
Read Full Article
Report: Everyone Starting New Exciting Stage Of Life Except You
Read Full Article
Employee Slowly Realizes Boss Attempting To Have Normal Conversation With Her
Read Full Article
Biologist Completes 5-Minute Study Of Pathetic Organism In Mirror
Read Full Article
Pathetic Hands Subject To Man’s Every Whim
Read Full Article
Mitch McConnell Inflates Throat Pouch In Show Of Dominance Over Fellow Congressional Males
Read Full Article
New Google Streep View To Provide Panoramic Imagery Of Meryl Streep
Read Full Article
Slow-Witted Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Government Behind NASA
Read Full Article
Grisly Remains Of 15 Hobbits Discovered In Peter Jackson’s Attic
Read Full Article
Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More