The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 49

Saints vs. Panthers

The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win. 

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games: Texans at Jaguars OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner...

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.

8th Grader Caked In Makeup Probably Really Confident

A slow-witted conspiracy theorist is convinced the government is behind NASA, the grisly remains of 15 hobbits is discovered in Peter Jackson's attic, and a cool guy from middle school is still sporting his phat pair of JNCOS.

New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking ...

Lawsuit Seeks Human Rights For Chimps

Borrowing rhetoric from the anti-slavery movement, a lawsuit filed in New York on behalf of four captive chimpanzees seeks to recognize chimps as legal persons with a limited right to liberty, which would prohibit them from being kept as pets or used in b...

NSA Tracking Locations Of Millions Of Cell Phones

According to an investigation by The Washington Post, the National Security Agency is currently tracking the locations of hundreds of millions of cell phones worldwide belonging to both Americans and foreigners, with the agency collecting nearly 5 ...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 9, 2013

‘What If We Put M&M’s On Top? Would They Eat That?’ Doritos Exec Wonders Out Loud
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Bloomberg Defends NYPD’s Controversial Stop And Kiss Program
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New Report Shows Many U.S. Businesses Actually Just Fronts For Moneymaking Operations
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Stunned St. Peter’s Square Crowd Overhears Pope Francis Getting Bitched Out By God
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Deformed Freak Born Without Penis
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Cool Guy From Middle School Still Sporting Phat Pair Of JNCOs
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Red Lobster Welcomes Back ‘Defrosted Shrimp Days’
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Report: Everyone Starting New Exciting Stage Of Life Except You
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Employee Slowly Realizes Boss Attempting To Have Normal Conversation With Her
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Biologist Completes 5-Minute Study Of Pathetic Organism In Mirror
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Pathetic Hands Subject To Man’s Every Whim
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Mitch McConnell Inflates Throat Pouch In Show Of Dominance Over Fellow Congressional Males
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New Google Streep View To Provide Panoramic Imagery Of Meryl Streep
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Slow-Witted Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Government Behind NASA
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Grisly Remains Of 15 Hobbits Discovered In Peter Jackson’s Attic
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