The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 18, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 18, 2013

World Surrenders To North Korea
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Coworkers Brought To Place Of Unthinkable Intimacy By Team-Building Exercise
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Resigning Pope No Longer Has Strength To Lead Church Backward
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Mumford And Sons Take Home Coveted 'Vest Of The Year' Grammy
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'Walking Dead' Writers Regret Naming Every Single Character 'Rick'
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Santana And Rob Thomas' 'Smooth' Sweeps Grammy Awards For 13th Year In A Row
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New Sony Nose Buds Allow Users To Blast Different Smells Into Nostrils
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Panicked Biden Interrupts State Of The Union To Ask If Erections Can Ever Be Medical Emergency
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'The State Of The Union Is Strong,' Says Man Responsible For Shielding Nation From Truth
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Website Humiliating Itself
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Girlfriend Just Wants To Have Low-Key, Laid-Back Valentine's Day Fight This Year
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Double Amputee Proves He Is Capable Of Anything
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Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend's Office To Deliver Surprise Threat
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Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling
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Report: World Now Down To 5 Stories That Are Inspirational
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