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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 1, 2013

USA Renews 'Burn Notice,' 'Royal Pains,' 'Burn Collar,' 'Covert Notice,' 'Royal Affairs,' 'Legal Burns'

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Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

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Impatient Nation Demands Supreme Court Just Get To The Gay Stuff

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Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over

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Johnny Depp Now Physically Unable To Walk Unless Whimsically Teeter-Tottering Across Rolling Log, Wobbly Plank, Or Swaying Beam

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Chicago Blackhawks Relatively Silence Boston Fans

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George Zimmerman’s Attorney Opens Second Day Of Trial With Trayvon Martin Impression

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Silvio Berlusconi Transferred To Steamy All-Female Penitentiary

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Cat Looking Out Window, Bird Form Unbelievably Intense Fifth-Of-A-Second Bond

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Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

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Gay Marriage Opponents Warn Supreme Court Ruling Could Put Nation On Slippery Slope To Rationality

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Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito Suddenly Realize They Will Be Villains In Oscar-Winning Movie One Day

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‘I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,’ Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting

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13 Adorable Photos Of Baby Farm Animals, But With Each Click, Another Appendage Will Be Cut Off Our Finance Director’s Body. How Far Will You Go? When Will You Let It Stop?

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Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music

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