The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 30, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 26

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

Fireworks Safety Tips

Independence Day is quickly approaching, which means many friends and families are purchasing fireworks to set off in celebration.

Obama Narrowly Misses Quarterly Performance Bonus

WASHINGTON—Explaining that he failed to hit his national growth goals for the April-June period, the White House’s Office of Personnel Management confirmed Tuesday that President Barack Obama fell just short of earning a quarterly performance ...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 30, 2014

U.S. Government Sets Aside 600,000 Acres Of Pristine Land For Future Generations To Pollute
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Magical Office Worker Able To Turn Everything He Touches Into More Work For Colleagues
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Coalition Of Buzzed Cousins Issues Annual Greatest Nation On Earth Rankings
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New Report Suggests It Kind Of Weird Baseball Uniforms Have Belts
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Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season
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Report: Only Predictor Of Happy Marriage Is If Husband Ever Won Wife Big Stuffed Animal At Amusement Park
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Report Finds More Americans Putting Off Children Until Companies Are Ready
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‘To Defeat Them, I Must Become Them,’ John Kerry Says While Putting On Black Face Mask
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Report: Shame Of Walking Out Without Buying Anything Drives 90% Of Purchases At Small Businesses
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Humanity Surprised It Still Hasn’t Figured Out Better Alternative To Letting Power-Hungry Assholes Decide Everything
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Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis
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This Minnesota State Museum’s Final Offer To Owner Of Couch From ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ Set
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Astronomers Discover Massive Asteroid That Could Wipe Out Life On Earth, Force Nordstrom Out Of Business
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Report: 76% Of Sleepaway Campers’ Parents Beginning Trial Separation
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Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again
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