The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 13, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 19

Dog Owners Have Healthier Hearts

The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better survival rates than those without pets.

New to the market!

Lovely two-bedroom, one-bath condo, carefully renovated to retain the intoxicating scent of previous tenant Lisa.

Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk

ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man Chris Serna, 32, had completed the task of getting drunk with a high degree of efficiency and s...

Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog

A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or two more warning signs before finally doing this, and a snooze button time travler sets his coordinates for 5-minut...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 13, 2013

Heartbroken Chris Brown Always Thought Rihanna Was Woman He’d Beat To Death
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Onion Twitter Password Changed To OnionMan77
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Nation's Amateur Skateboarders Haven't Landed Trick In 12 Years
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Arab-American Actually Kind Of Enjoys Always Having 2 Bus Seats To Self
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Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future
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Picking Thing Up From Apartment Floor Rescheduled For Thursday
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Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Stint Off To Great Start—And She’s Gone
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Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing
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Everyone Who Started Watching 'Mad Money' In 2005 Now Billionaires
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EPA Warns Americans Not To Breathe
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Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock
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Obama Speechwriters Unsure How They’d Praise Fort Lauderdale In Event Of Tragedy
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Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This
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FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst
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17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11
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