The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 14, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 42

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games: Seahawks at Cardinals OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead...

Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his...

Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips

A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can'...

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans

THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings. The Supreme Being, who spoke to reporters today about His dietary habits,...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Race Relations

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 14, 2013

Nobel Prize In Chemistry Awarded To Taft Middle School Teacher Mr. Ambler
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Fanatically Devoted Nerd Could Potentially Turn On Simon Pegg At Any Moment
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Dick Vitale Enthusiastic About Latest Al-Qaeda Plot
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Chipmunk’s Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans
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Kanye West Confirms He's Working On New Solo Child
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Parents Chart Child's Width On Kitchen Wall
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Congressional Aides Withholding Sex Until Budget Compromise Is Reached
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NYPD Lets Suspicious Man Go After Only Finding ‘Catcher In The Rye’ In Backpack
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Military Unveils Bionic Super-Soldiers Capable Of Withstanding Mental Toll Of War
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High School Freshman Thinks ‘Romeo And Juliet’ Might Just Be Her Favorite Play
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Michelle Obama Opens Up In ‘Marie Claire’: ‘Our Sex Life Has Never Been More Open, More Experimental, More Generous’
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Psychiatrists Deeply Concerned For 5% Of Americans Who Approve Of Congress
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Fucking Pathetic John Ashbery Actually Thinks He Has Shot At Nobel Prize In Literature This Year
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Obamacare Helps Uninsured Americans Become Blindingly Enraged At Insurance Companies
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Intern Strikes Up Friendship With Least-Respected Employee
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