The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 16, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 38

Pope: Church Must Stop Focusing On Gays, Abortion

Claiming that the Catholic Church had become “obsessed” with “small-minded rules” on social issues, such as contraception, abortion, and homosexuality, Pope Francis said the Church should be more inclusive and focus on spreading me...

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games: Chiefs at Eagles OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Eagles — The Chiefs will completely fall apart during Andy...

Weak Little Man Asks For Help

LINCOLN, NE—Apparently too weak and feckless to execute the task on his own, utterly pitiable little sales associate Nick Gardocki, 27, pathetically asked his coworkers for help on a project Friday afternoon, sources confirmed.

Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time. Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 16, 2013

Bashar Al-Assad Tries Tiny Bit Of Sarin Gas On Self To See What It’s Like
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Couple Should Get Dinner With Other Couple, Couple Reports
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Nation’s Math Teachers Introduce 27 New Trig Functions
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Manager Slits Own Throat After Realizing Some Members Of Company Not On Same Page
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Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas
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Report: U.S. Exported 6 Billion Tons Of Crude Web Content Last Year
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Mother Comes Pretty Close To Using Word ‘Streaming’ Correctly
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Jets Fans, Mark Sanchez Really Hoping Shoulder Injury Rules Him Out For Rest Of Season
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Billboard Alerts Drivers To Existence Of Situational Comedy Starring Stand-Up Comedian Jerry Seinfeld
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Rudy Giuliani Suddenly Realizes He’s Been Grinning During Entire 9/11 Ceremony
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Marketing Department Under Impression Keebler Elves A Beloved Part Of American Culture
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Couple Thoughtfully Puts Up Wedding Website For Friends To Mock
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College Freshman Honors Dead Roommate’s Memory By Solemnly Eating All His Food
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Report: Some Small Town Enjoying Last Days Of Anonymity Before Harrowing Tragedy
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Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality
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