MANSFIELD, OH—Frantically shifting his gaze between the field and play clock as the seconds wound down, local 34-year-old football fan Isaac Collins announced Sunday that the quarterback better hurry the hell up and snap the ball.
WASHINGTON—Researchers at the Urban Institute published a study Friday confirming that a sharp increase in gun sales nationwide would be the most concrete result of the impassioned pro-gun-control speech that President Obama delivered following yesterday’s mass shooting in Oregon.
SEDALIA, MO—Following yesterday’s speech by the president addressing the recent events in Roseburg, OR, local 42-year-old Tim Moss expressed his outrage to reporters that President Obama was attempting to capitalize off a tragedy to push his anti-tragedy agenda.
BALTIMORE—Warning that the storm could batter the East Coast with 80-mile-per-hour winds and heavy rain, Baltimore officials confirmed Friday that residents were preparing for Hurricane Joaquin by adding a second layer of plywood to the city’s shuttered small businesses.
SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that Hurricane Joaquin was expected to produce powerful winds, violent swells, and dangerous rip currents, the National Weather Service strongly advised Americans today not to go surfing unless they could really shred that shit.
NEW YORK—Saying that it is the perfect way to further increase the sport’s popularity, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that the league will soon begin holding a regular-season game deep within the Earth’s inner core.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
PHILADELPHIA—Saying that the trend signals a major shift in the media landscape, a report issued Thursday by the University of Pennsylvania revealed that a growing number of Americans are turning to louder sources for their news.
The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales: