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Vol 46 Issue 10

Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

The Week In Review

Archaeologists Discover Remnants Of Legendary Party Out By Train Tracks
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Forgetful Karl Lagerfeld Inadvertently Starts Lobster-Bib Trend
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Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology
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Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech
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Houseguest Just Going To Lie There Until Rest Of House Wakes Up
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Disabled Athlete Likes It When Opponents Go Easy On Him
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How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
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Hulking Strongman Now Only Voice Of Reason In Republican Party
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Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save
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'I'm Kinda Getting The Hang Of Filling Tori Spelling Up With Babys,' We Chat With Dean McDermott
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