The Week In Review

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Vol 46 Issue 37

Weird Coworker Knows Where Every NFL Player Went To College

PHILADELPHIA—Whether it be a top rookie from last year's draft or an obscure offensive lineman who has been in the league for 14 years, SRS Consulting's Ryan Janis seems to know where every NFL player went to college, his coworkers confirmed Monday.

The NFL's Overcomplicated Rules

Football may have the most complex rule set of any sport, as the Lions found out last Sunday when a game-winning catch was disallowed. Here are a few other examples.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

The Week In Review

Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit
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Only Way BASE Jumper Can Get Thrill These Days Is By Jumping Tandem With Endangered Species
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Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve
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Second-Most Popular Kid In School Assumes Power Following Death Of Star Quarterback
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Drew Brees Casually Wonders Aloud If He Really Could Get Away With Murder In This Town
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Report: More Colleges Offering Dick-Around Abroad Programs
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Unscathed Tom Brady Walks Away From Car Crash In Slow Motion
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Congress Appropriates $3.17 To Rent 'Tango & Cash'
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Fireflies, Bullfrogs And Other Cool Things You Can See In The Woods Near Our Cousin's House
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