The Week In Sports – Week Of March 8, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 09

Young E-Cigarette Users Less Likely To Quit Smoking

According to a new study from researchers at the University of California San Francisco, middle and high school students who use electronic cigarettes are more likely to smoke real cigarettes and be heavier smokers than those who don’t.

Brief Moment Of Lucidity Called Panic Attack

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Following a brief episode Friday during which he became physically debilitated by a flood of worries about his struggles in his career, romantic failings, and his own fragile mortality, sources confirmed that local man Evan Turoff...

Massachusetts Bans Upskirt Photos After Outcry

Due to the controversy surrounding their ruling earlier this week that criminal voyeurism didn’t apply to a man who took photos up a woman’s skirt on the MBTA, the Massachusetts Legislature voted yesterday to outlaw the act of “upskirtin...

Papa John’s Now Offering 3-Day Home Delivery

LOUISVILLE, KY—Aiming to provide their customers with the most convenient options when placing an order, Papa John’s officials announced Friday that the restaurant chain will now be offering three-day home delivery service on any purchase.

Dog Held Against Will Inside Skype Window

Ukrainian-Russian tensions divide U.S. citizens along ignorant and apathetic lines, the national endowment for the arts provides 80 million dollars for discouraging talentless hacks, and a dog is held against its will inside a Skype window.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

The Week In Sports – Week Of March 8, 2014

Mother Encourages Andy Dalton To Keep Career Options Open
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Peyton Manning Cleared To Play Next Season After Passing Verbal Neck Exam
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Iditarod Musher Limiting Self To Eating Just One Husky Per Day
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NHL Outdoor Games Inspiring More Kids To Go Outside And Play Hockey At Local NFL Stadiums
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Brooklyn Nets Insist They Only See Jason Collins As Terrible Player
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NBA Unveils Throwback Shot Clock
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Do You Think Oscar Pistorius Is Guilty?
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