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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 17, 2017

Woman Rises Early To Sow Seeds Of Day’s First Gchats

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Jealous Paul Ryan Asks Legislator With 37% Approval Rating What His Secret Is

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Study: ‘Hangin’ In There’ Best One Can Now Feel

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Text History With Mom A Succinct Chronology Of Relatives’ Hospital Visits

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New Office Manager Provides Terrifying Glimpse Into Plans For Regime By Placing New Collection Of Teas In Drawer

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Veteran Brita Filter’s Tour Of Duty Extended Another 3 Months

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Rookie Justice Gorsuch Assigned To Supreme Court Overnight Shift

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YouTuber Wastes 2 Whole Minutes Explaining How To Prep A Deck For Sealant As If Viewer Total Moron

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Biological Life Regrets Waiting 2.3 Billion Years To Try Sex

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Documentary About Plymouth Rock Throws In Some World War II To Keep People Interested

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Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements

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Man Knows He Must Ride Unexpected Urge To Clean As Far As It Will Take Him

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New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time

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Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

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Man Taking Phone Out Of Case For First Time In Years Struck By Forgotten Beauty

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‘There Are No Good Options In Syria,’ Sighs Man Who Has Devoted 12 Minutes Of Research To Topic

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Ketchup Crust On Heinz Bottle Cap Still Dreams Of One Day Getting Onto Hot Dog

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Study Finds Chimpanzees Only Other Animal Capable Of Keeping Lid On Friend’s Affair

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Judi Dench, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Irons, Meryl Streep Fondly Recall Getting Start As Part Of 1993 Mouseketeer Class

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

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Bianchi Introduces New Bike For Blocking Commuters On Subway During Rush Hour

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Whale Won’t Shut Up About Time It Was Beached

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Woman Happy To Have Such Good Takeout Places She Can Call When Feeling Low

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Report: Tiger That Mauled Roy Horn Still Struggling To Find Work

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Ulta Releases Line Of Shitty Hair Ties To Give Cheap-Ass Friend Who’s Always Borrowing Them

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Trump Spends 10 Minutes Mistakenly Addressing Steve Bannon’s Freshly Shed Exoskeleton

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E.P.T. Clarifies Pregnancy Tests Intended For Entertainment Purposes Only

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More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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