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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 17, 2017

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Woman Rises Early To Sow Seeds Of Day’s First Gchats

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Jealous Paul Ryan Asks Legislator With 37% Approval Rating What His Secret Is

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Study: ‘Hangin’ In There’ Best One Can Now Feel

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Text History With Mom A Succinct Chronology Of Relatives’ Hospital Visits

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New Office Manager Provides Terrifying Glimpse Into Plans For Regime By Placing New Collection Of Teas In Drawer

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Veteran Brita Filter’s Tour Of Duty Extended Another 3 Months

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Rookie Justice Gorsuch Assigned To Supreme Court Overnight Shift

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YouTuber Wastes 2 Whole Minutes Explaining How To Prep A Deck For Sealant As If Viewer Total Moron

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Biological Life Regrets Waiting 2.3 Billion Years To Try Sex

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Documentary About Plymouth Rock Throws In Some World War II To Keep People Interested

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Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements

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Man Knows He Must Ride Unexpected Urge To Clean As Far As It Will Take Him

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New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time

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Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

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Man Taking Phone Out Of Case For First Time In Years Struck By Forgotten Beauty

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‘There Are No Good Options In Syria,’ Sighs Man Who Has Devoted 12 Minutes Of Research To Topic

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Ketchup Crust On Heinz Bottle Cap Still Dreams Of One Day Getting Onto Hot Dog

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Study Finds Chimpanzees Only Other Animal Capable Of Keeping Lid On Friend’s Affair

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Judi Dench, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Irons, Meryl Streep Fondly Recall Getting Start As Part Of 1993 Mouseketeer Class

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

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Bianchi Introduces New Bike For Blocking Commuters On Subway During Rush Hour

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Whale Won’t Shut Up About Time It Was Beached

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Woman Happy To Have Such Good Takeout Places She Can Call When Feeling Low

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Report: Tiger That Mauled Roy Horn Still Struggling To Find Work

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Ulta Releases Line Of Shitty Hair Ties To Give Cheap-Ass Friend Who’s Always Borrowing Them

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Trump Spends 10 Minutes Mistakenly Addressing Steve Bannon’s Freshly Shed Exoskeleton

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E.P.T. Clarifies Pregnancy Tests Intended For Entertainment Purposes Only

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