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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 17, 2017

Woman Rises Early To Sow Seeds Of Day’s First Gchats

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Jealous Paul Ryan Asks Legislator With 37% Approval Rating What His Secret Is

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Study: ‘Hangin’ In There’ Best One Can Now Feel

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Text History With Mom A Succinct Chronology Of Relatives’ Hospital Visits

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New Office Manager Provides Terrifying Glimpse Into Plans For Regime By Placing New Collection Of Teas In Drawer

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Veteran Brita Filter’s Tour Of Duty Extended Another 3 Months

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Rookie Justice Gorsuch Assigned To Supreme Court Overnight Shift

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YouTuber Wastes 2 Whole Minutes Explaining How To Prep A Deck For Sealant As If Viewer Total Moron

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Biological Life Regrets Waiting 2.3 Billion Years To Try Sex

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Documentary About Plymouth Rock Throws In Some World War II To Keep People Interested

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Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements

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Man Knows He Must Ride Unexpected Urge To Clean As Far As It Will Take Him

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New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time

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Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

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Man Taking Phone Out Of Case For First Time In Years Struck By Forgotten Beauty

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‘There Are No Good Options In Syria,’ Sighs Man Who Has Devoted 12 Minutes Of Research To Topic

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Ketchup Crust On Heinz Bottle Cap Still Dreams Of One Day Getting Onto Hot Dog

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Study Finds Chimpanzees Only Other Animal Capable Of Keeping Lid On Friend’s Affair

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Judi Dench, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Irons, Meryl Streep Fondly Recall Getting Start As Part Of 1993 Mouseketeer Class

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

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Bianchi Introduces New Bike For Blocking Commuters On Subway During Rush Hour

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Whale Won’t Shut Up About Time It Was Beached

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Woman Happy To Have Such Good Takeout Places She Can Call When Feeling Low

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Report: Tiger That Mauled Roy Horn Still Struggling To Find Work

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Ulta Releases Line Of Shitty Hair Ties To Give Cheap-Ass Friend Who’s Always Borrowing Them

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Trump Spends 10 Minutes Mistakenly Addressing Steve Bannon’s Freshly Shed Exoskeleton

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E.P.T. Clarifies Pregnancy Tests Intended For Entertainment Purposes Only

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