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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 14, 2017

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Local Restaurant Makes Foolhardy Attempt At Second Location

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Lizard Planning To Bite New Owner First Chance It Gets

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Heaven Adds Guardrail After Fifth Angel Plunges Over Edge

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Picture Most Closely Resembling Actual Self Immediately Deleted

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Report: U.S. Economy Loses $20 Billion Annually To Americans Writing Ideas Down Illegibly

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Nation’s Sexual Degenerates Impatient For Gay Marriage Slippery Slope To Kick In

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Flesh-Eating Bacteria Wishing It Hadn’t Filled Up On Foot

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Man Immediately Regrets Borrowing Warm, Sweaty Baseball Glove

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Elvis Costello Poster Starting To Suspect It Will Never Be Framed

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Man Who Jumped Motorcycle Onto Hijacked Bullet Train Never Thought He’d See Stories Like His Being Told By Hollywood

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New Evidence Suggests Humans May Have Been Dipping Crunchy Things Into Gooey Things Earlier Than Previously Thought

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Robert Mueller Dreading Returning From 2-Month European Vacation To Start Russia Investigation

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Report: Rise In Global Temperatures Likely To Increase Number of Americans Who Fucking Reek

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Measuring Spoon Hasn’t Looked Back Ever Since Being Detached From Ring

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Report: Pickup Basketball Player Too Sweaty To Guard

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Man 20 Minutes Into Organizing Shelves Becomes Grimly Aware Of What Chaos He Has Wrought

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Single 34-Year-Old Man Hasn’t Said Full Sentence Aloud Outside Work Hours In Past 3 Months

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Report: Rich Suitors Able To Correctly Guess Beautiful Woman’s Dress Size 92% Of Time

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Authorities Confirm North Korea Now Has Missile Capable Of Hitting Sam Waterston’s House

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Paul Manafort Spends Afternoon Making House Look Presentable For Next FBI Raid

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Heinz Introduces New Quick-Recovery Sports Ketchup

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Hillary Clinton Opens New Presidential Library Charting Course Of Purely Theoretical Tenure As Commander In Chief

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Man Surveys Party For Next Group To Silently Stand In

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Staffer Investigating Puddle Of Slime On Floor Looks Up To Discover Coworker Cocooned In Bannon Ooze

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Trump Boys Sadly Release Pet Alligator Into Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool

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Jim Harbaugh Spends Post-Practice Interview Heaping Praise On Blade Of Grass That Really Impressed Him

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Leader Of Sea-Doo Riders Holds Court In Middle Of Lake

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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

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Economy Of Vacation Town Apparently Entirely Run By Overwhelmed High Schoolers

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Report: Most Americans Now Getting Their News While Peeking Out Between Fingers

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LSU Tiger Reports To Training Camp Completely Overweight

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Jerry Jones Upset About People Trivializing Domestic Violence Suspensions

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Weird, Creepy Guy Just Hanging Around Same Website All Day Long

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Woman Longs For Caress Of Boyfriend’s Dry, Cracked, Bleeding Hands

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God Planning To Get Rid Of Harsh Shadows By Adding Second Sun

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

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