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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 20, 2017

Man Putting Off Starting Family To Focus On Treading Water In Career For Few Years

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Bannon’s Cyst Finally Ruptures

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High School Teaches Parenting Skills By Having Students Post Nonstop Photos Of Egg To Social Media

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

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GOP Recommends Americans Set Aside Income From One Of Their Jobs To Pay For Healthcare Under New Bill

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Excited White House Staffer Sends Parents ‘New York Times’ Article Quoting Her As Anonymous Source

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Report: You’re Supposed To Tip Supermarket Cashiers, You Son Of A Bitch

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Dog’s Eye Gunk Wiped Back On Dog

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Lofty Ambitions To Shovel Entire Width Of Driveway Scaled Back To Only Shoveling Thin Path For Car

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Report: You To Learn Names Of 3 Reprehensible Public Officials This Week

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Report: It Unclear Whether Opposition From Every Sector Of American Society Will Have Any Effect On Healthcare Bill Passing

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Woman’s Head Feared Lost Forever Inside Infinity Scarf

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Innovative Business Always On The Cutting Edge Of What Other Companies Have Been Doing For A Few Years

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Newly Discovered Journal Entries Reveal Sacagawea’s Repeated Attempts To Ditch Lewis And Clark

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Report: Saying ‘Smells Okay’ Precedes 85% Of Foodborne Illnesses Annually

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Mitch McConnell Sees Infinite Healthcare Plans After Dropping Acid To Inspire Ideas For Obamacare Replacement

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‘I Have Four Young Children,’ Says Kellyanne Conway In Most Disturbing Public Statement To Date

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Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule

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Trump Says Wasteful NEA Hasn’t Produced Single Valuable Work Since Claes Oldenburg’s ‘Giant Three-Way Plug’

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‘Curses!’ Shouts Fist-Shaking Meals On Wheels Ringleader As Trump Cuts Off Gravy Train

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Report: Oh, Fuck Yeah, Egg Yolk Dripping All Over Sandwich

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Gaunt, Hollow-Eyed Big Bird Enters Sixth Day Of Hunger Strike Against Proposed Trump Budget

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Convict Sentenced To Generating $80,000 To $100,000 In Profits For Private Prison

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Toddler Just Looking For Sensible Mid-Range Tricycle

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