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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 20, 2017

Man Putting Off Starting Family To Focus On Treading Water In Career For Few Years

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Bannon’s Cyst Finally Ruptures

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High School Teaches Parenting Skills By Having Students Post Nonstop Photos Of Egg To Social Media

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

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GOP Recommends Americans Set Aside Income From One Of Their Jobs To Pay For Healthcare Under New Bill

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Excited White House Staffer Sends Parents ‘New York Times’ Article Quoting Her As Anonymous Source

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Report: You’re Supposed To Tip Supermarket Cashiers, You Son Of A Bitch

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Dog’s Eye Gunk Wiped Back On Dog

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Lofty Ambitions To Shovel Entire Width Of Driveway Scaled Back To Only Shoveling Thin Path For Car

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Report: You To Learn Names Of 3 Reprehensible Public Officials This Week

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Report: It Unclear Whether Opposition From Every Sector Of American Society Will Have Any Effect On Healthcare Bill Passing

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Woman’s Head Feared Lost Forever Inside Infinity Scarf

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Innovative Business Always On The Cutting Edge Of What Other Companies Have Been Doing For A Few Years

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Newly Discovered Journal Entries Reveal Sacagawea’s Repeated Attempts To Ditch Lewis And Clark

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Report: Saying ‘Smells Okay’ Precedes 85% Of Foodborne Illnesses Annually

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Mitch McConnell Sees Infinite Healthcare Plans After Dropping Acid To Inspire Ideas For Obamacare Replacement

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‘I Have Four Young Children,’ Says Kellyanne Conway In Most Disturbing Public Statement To Date

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Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule

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Trump Says Wasteful NEA Hasn’t Produced Single Valuable Work Since Claes Oldenburg’s ‘Giant Three-Way Plug’

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‘Curses!’ Shouts Fist-Shaking Meals On Wheels Ringleader As Trump Cuts Off Gravy Train

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Report: Oh, Fuck Yeah, Egg Yolk Dripping All Over Sandwich

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Gaunt, Hollow-Eyed Big Bird Enters Sixth Day Of Hunger Strike Against Proposed Trump Budget

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Convict Sentenced To Generating $80,000 To $100,000 In Profits For Private Prison

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Toddler Just Looking For Sensible Mid-Range Tricycle

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